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Life Hack! Stay Alert by Micro-Dosing Masturbation


Photo by Obra Shalom Campo Grande/ CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Feeling tired throughout the day? Hitting that 3 p.m. slump? Feel like there’s no way to regain the vigor of your youth? Well, I’m happy to say that my team and I have found a new life-hack to keep you pumped up and ready to blow at all times.

Our studies have shown that humans naturally release energizing chemicals through a special operation typically done in private and drunkenly done in public: masturbation. Through various trials and a personal longitudinal study conducted by myself, we have come to the conclusion that micro-dosing masturbation throughout the day will guarantee you a pep in your step and a crazy look in your eye.

Here’s the rundown: every time you are feeling a bit down, or just generally feel like it, find a private place and just absolutely go to town for 15 seconds. Make sure you don’t go any longer though! You wanna be just on the brink of it feeling good. After this, go back to whatever you were doing and feel the hormones coursing through you. This should keep you awake and alert for at least a few minutes, and then just repeat! All in all, if you want this method to be successful you should be aiming for about 10 “doses” an hour. It fits right into your schedule!

Give it a try, and just remember: don’t finish or else you’re finished!