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Jon Diamond-Reivich


Articles

Life Hack! Go Trick or Treating Now!

Get the jump on Halloween by going trick or treating now. That’s right, those pre-teen fucks will never see it coming.


BREAKING: Amy Gutmann Endorses Mike Bloomberg, Probably

In alignment with this endorsement, Bloomberg will be donating a new building to Penn's campus, the Bloomberg Center for Stop and Frisk Cultural Studies.


Life Hack! Stay Alert by Micro-Dosing Masturbation

Feeling tired throughout the day? Hitting that 3 p.m. slump? Feel like there’s no way to regain the vigor of your youth? Well, I’m happy to say that my team and I have found a new life-hack to keep you pumped up and ready to blow at all times.


OP-ED: Your Fraternity Would Have Been Lucky to Have Me

But I mean if anyone drops and you need an extra guy I guess I could find the time in my schedule.


BREAKING: Penn Finally Brings Down the IAA, the Only Group on Campus That Does Hazing of Any Kind

The evil, tormented individuals leading the IAA forced their freshmen to degrade themselves through events like, “optional beer pong,” and “get to know the members night,” and despicable “ice breaker activities.”


The Only Answer For This Divisive Political Climate? Jeb!

We tried Trump’s mama bear politics, and people are too scared for Bernie’s papa bear sensibilities, so it’s time to settle right in the middle and get cozy with baby bear Jeb.


This Is The Year I Crack This Alchemy Thing

If my body can transform a panini into poop, then I should be able to change the number of protons in an atom. 


Yuck! This New Food Truck Tastes Like Cardboard

The truck was called “FedEx,” which I assumed to be some version of Tex Mex.


Accidentally Called Your Teacher Mom? Now She Gets To Spank You

You asked for this after all. Who’s your mommy. 


Penn Enacts Policy Replacing Midterms With Vibe Checks

Hell yeah, guys. After years of lobbying the school for positive and effective change, we finally have made some progress. In a statement earlier this week, boomer Amy Gutmann proclaimed that the school will be replacing all midterms with straight-up vibe checks this year.


Called It! Trevor's Grandma Died over Fall Break

Am I clairvoyant? Can I see the future? Am I God? Am I terribly sad about my good friend Trevor’s horrible loss? Yes to all of those. Betsy McLoughlin’s legacy will live on forever, and now so will mine.


I'm All for Socialism If It Means We Redistribute the Sex on Campus

All I can say is that Bernie Sander’s is on to something here. The top 1% of frat brothers are having 99% of all the sex on campus, and I think there’s something wrong with that.


I Slept with My Professor and Got a Worse Grade

When I left, after a totally appropriate amount of time might I add, I thought all parties had an adequate experience, and adequate should be like a solid B I think. 


So Do We Just Steal from Mark's Cafe Now?

Why in the world would I not just grab my Sushi and Red Bull and walk away?


Take That! My Teachers Never Believed in Me, but I Just Got a Job at WilCaf, so Who's Laughing Now?

I remember my history teacher told me that I wasn’t gonna get into college, my english teacher told me I would never get a job, and my french teacher told me something in French that I couldn’t really understand, but, based off his tone, it seemed like it was mean.


HeyMySpaceBarIsBrokenCanAnyoneHelpMeWithThis?

TheMinimunWordRequirementWas2000ButMyTotalWordCountWasOnlyOne.


The Real Magic Gardens Tickets Are the Friendships We Made Along the Way

Castle isn’t really hosting an event, they just want to bring us closer together as a school. That’s why they sent us on an impossible quest to get “tickets,” because they know we’d have to work together and meet so many new people along the way. 


Move over Groundhogs Day! I Know Its Spring When Fraternities Start Playing Pong outside

Braden got a B in his geology class sophomore year, so yea, I’m pretty sure he knows his stuff. 


This Desperate Guy Keeps Asking Me to Meet Up, Claims He's My 'Advisor'

 Wanna know the worst part? This creep only contacts me through email. 


Girl Who Hands out Last DP Copy Can Finally Die

“I was sitting on a bench for a while just watching this poor girl get rejected over and over again. It was so sad. She only had one copy left and was clearly desperately trying to get rid of it, so finally I just I decided I had to take it from her."


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