Jon Diamond-Reivich


Didn't Have a Valentine This Year? Haha Loser Get Fucked

The closest thing to flowers you got on Valentines day was a bag of Hot Cheetos that you bought for yourself — and Cheetos aren't even anything like flowers.

As a FNAR Major, I Take My Dick Pics In Portrait Mode

While all of you schmucks are probably carelessly snapping photos of your junk (emphasis on the junk), I’m making art.

OP-ED: I'm, Like, The Fourth Hottest Guy In This Writing Sem

So Brendan is obviously number one, I mean no question. He looks like Timothée Chalamet mixed with every soccer player ever.

Something Spooky Is Going On In The New College House West Pit

What is the school hiding from us? Maybe there’s a community of gremlins down there. Maybe it’s some cool old bones. I think the most likely option is probably that it's Steve Buscemi's hidey-hole. 

This Year I'm Keeping With My New Years Resolution Of Not Jacking Off In Van Pelt

That fifth floor bathroom is just calling your name. You swallow your pride, head up the stairs, see the beautiful, little green tab – vacant. 

Breaking: Sarah Doesn't Know Anyone At This Formal Except For Her Date (But Just Barely)

The two had never met, but one of Bergen’s friends insisted that Brenner was a “pretty ok guy.” Feeling up for an adventure, Bergen accepted the invitation, despite not knowing Brenner and having three finals in the coming two days. 

Student Still Thinks 'Maybe I Know Someone In This One' After Staring Into 362 GSRs

Bradley peered optimistically, hoping to catch a glimpse of a familiar face. Instead, he ended up making painful eye contact with numerous strangers for two seconds at a time, over and over again.

In Trump's First Effort to Reduce Climate Change, Nation's Supply of Windmills to Be Relocated to High Rise Wind Tunnel

A recent announcement may finally quell some worries: Trump has ordered that the nation's supply of windmills be relocated to the high-rise wind tunnel.

Student Thought to be Studying Abroad Actually On Campus, Just Really Into RuneScape

Saying goodbye to his family and friends, James embarked on his journey, eager to embrace a new culture and get out of the Penn bubble.

We Got Him: Dean Furda is George Lopez

Have you ever seen Dean Furda and George Lopez in the same room? The answer is yes; you just haven’t realized it.

Gasp! Religious Studies Major Comes Out as Agnostic

While talking with a friend, he stated, "Yeah I’m not religious per se, but I am spiritual."

Knock Knock! It's Your Cool RA — Talk To Me About Your Sex Life!

 You can tell me anything. Specifically, you can tell me about all the sex you've been doing.

OP-ED: Yea My Roommate's Here But Lets Just Have Sex Quietly

I was a little worried about doing this whole blind date thing but it really turned out great.

Sign My Petition To Ban Thunderstorms From Campus

Hey do you have a second? Yea just take your headphones out real quick this’ll only take a minute.

Wow! Student Downloads F.lux, Gains Power of The Sun

For years, Gene Klein (W ’21) has been complaining about his lack of sleep.

OP-ED: I'll Eat Mold If It Gets Me a Room at the Inn At Penn

When I applied to Penn, I made sure to put the Quad as my top housing priority.

Correction: Racist Comments Taken Out Of Context of Longer Racist Rant

As a respectable news publication, Under The Button has a firm commitment to true and honest reporting.

Gotcha! Fraternity Makes Citizen's Arrests at Champagne and Shackles

Earlier this week, freshmen received invitations to a "Champagne and Shackles" party.

Close Call! Freshman Makes It To Sink To Throw Up

Quite the scene unfolded in Speakman 207 this weekend as Kate Lorenz (W ’22) returned home from a night of partying. Quietly sneaking past her sleeping roommate and into bed, Lorenz thought she was tucked in for the night. 

Junior Thinks Frat House Next Door Is Disgusting, Also Loves Ketamine

Brian McLaughlin (C '20) has been living next door to an off-campus fraternity for the past two years. “It’s ridiculous,” said the 20-year-old PPE major, “These guys are just drinking and smoking all day every day; it’s pathetic.”