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Jon Diamond-Reivich


Articles

Take That! My Teachers Never Believed in Me, but I Just Got a Job at WilCaf, so Who's Laughing Now?

I remember my history teacher told me that I wasn’t gonna get into college, my english teacher told me I would never get a job, and my french teacher told me something in French that I couldn’t really understand, but, based off his tone, it seemed like it was mean.


HeyMySpaceBarIsBrokenCanAnyoneHelpMeWithThis?

TheMinimunWordRequirementWas2000ButMyTotalWordCountWasOnlyOne.


The Real Magic Gardens Tickets Are the Friendships We Made Along the Way

Castle isn’t really hosting an event, they just want to bring us closer together as a school. That’s why they sent us on an impossible quest to get “tickets,” because they know we’d have to work together and meet so many new people along the way. 


Move over Groundhogs Day! I Know Its Spring When Fraternities Start Playing Pong outside

Braden got a B in his geology class sophomore year, so yea, I’m pretty sure he knows his stuff. 


This Desperate Guy Keeps Asking Me to Meet Up, Claims He's My 'Advisor'

 Wanna know the worst part? This creep only contacts me through email. 


Girl Who Hands out Last DP Copy Can Finally Die

“I was sitting on a bench for a while just watching this poor girl get rejected over and over again. It was so sad. She only had one copy left and was clearly desperately trying to get rid of it, so finally I just I decided I had to take it from her."


Hey I Left My Juul in Ac Have You Seen It?

But uh, hey, remember when we went to AC for Feb club?


5 Mixed Drinks That Scream, "I Won't Be Able to Get Hard Tonight"

You know one thing for sure: no matter what happens, you will not be getting hard tonight.


Dear Malia Obama: Forget That Lame Shit, Let's Do Fireball Shots

You’re telling me you’re at a Miami beach party, and you’re just gonna causally sip some wine? Not even fun wine like Franzia.


Didn't Have a Valentine This Year? Haha Loser Get Fucked

The closest thing to flowers you got on Valentines day was a bag of Hot Cheetos that you bought for yourself — and Cheetos aren't even anything like flowers.


As a FNAR Major, I Take My Dick Pics In Portrait Mode

While all of you schmucks are probably carelessly snapping photos of your junk (emphasis on the junk), I’m making art.


OP-ED: I'm, Like, The Fourth Hottest Guy In This Writing Sem

So Brendan is obviously number one, I mean no question. He looks like Timothée Chalamet mixed with every soccer player ever.


Something Spooky Is Going On In The New College House West Pit

What is the school hiding from us? Maybe there’s a community of gremlins down there. Maybe it’s some cool old bones. I think the most likely option is probably that it's Steve Buscemi's hidey-hole. 


This Year I'm Keeping With My New Years Resolution Of Not Jacking Off In Van Pelt

That fifth floor bathroom is just calling your name. You swallow your pride, head up the stairs, see the beautiful, little green tab – vacant. 


Breaking: Sarah Doesn't Know Anyone At This Formal Except For Her Date (But Just Barely)

The two had never met, but one of Bergen’s friends insisted that Brenner was a “pretty ok guy.” Feeling up for an adventure, Bergen accepted the invitation, despite not knowing Brenner and having three finals in the coming two days. 


Student Still Thinks 'Maybe I Know Someone In This One' After Staring Into 362 GSRs

Bradley peered optimistically, hoping to catch a glimpse of a familiar face. Instead, he ended up making painful eye contact with numerous strangers for two seconds at a time, over and over again.


In Trump's First Effort to Reduce Climate Change, Nation's Supply of Windmills to Be Relocated to High Rise Wind Tunnel

A recent announcement may finally quell some worries: Trump has ordered that the nation's supply of windmills be relocated to the high-rise wind tunnel.


Student Thought to be Studying Abroad Actually On Campus, Just Really Into RuneScape

Saying goodbye to his family and friends, James embarked on his journey, eager to embrace a new culture and get out of the Penn bubble.


We Got Him: Dean Furda is George Lopez

Have you ever seen Dean Furda and George Lopez in the same room? The answer is yes; you just haven’t realized it.


Gasp! Religious Studies Major Comes Out as Agnostic

While talking with a friend, he stated, "Yeah I’m not religious per se, but I am spiritual."


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