The closest thing to flowers you got on Valentines day was a bag of Hot Cheetos that you bought for yourself — and Cheetos aren't even anything like flowers.
While all of you schmucks are probably carelessly snapping photos of your junk (emphasis on the junk), I’m making art.
So Brendan is obviously number one, I mean no question. He looks like Timothée Chalamet mixed with every soccer player ever.
What is the school hiding from us? Maybe there’s a community of gremlins down there. Maybe it’s some cool old bones. I think the most likely option is probably that it's Steve Buscemi's hidey-hole.
That fifth floor bathroom is just calling your name. You swallow your pride, head up the stairs, see the beautiful, little green tab – vacant.
The two had never met, but one of Bergen’s friends insisted that Brenner was a “pretty ok guy.” Feeling up for an adventure, Bergen accepted the invitation, despite not knowing Brenner and having three finals in the coming two days.
Bradley peered optimistically, hoping to catch a glimpse of a familiar face. Instead, he ended up making painful eye contact with numerous strangers for two seconds at a time, over and over again.
A recent announcement may finally quell some worries: Trump has ordered that the nation's supply of windmills be relocated to the high-rise wind tunnel.
Saying goodbye to his family and friends, James embarked on his journey, eager to embrace a new culture and get out of the Penn bubble.
Have you ever seen Dean Furda and George Lopez in the same room? The answer is yes; you just haven’t realized it.
While talking with a friend, he stated, "Yeah I’m not religious per se, but I am spiritual."
You can tell me anything. Specifically, you can tell me about all the sex you've been doing.
I was a little worried about doing this whole blind date thing but it really turned out great.
Hey do you have a second? Yea just take your headphones out real quick this’ll only take a minute.
For years, Gene Klein (W ’21) has been complaining about his lack of sleep.
When I applied to Penn, I made sure to put the Quad as my top housing priority.
As a respectable news publication, Under The Button has a firm commitment to true and honest reporting.
Earlier this week, freshmen received invitations to a "Champagne and Shackles" party.
Quite the scene unfolded in Speakman 207 this weekend as Kate Lorenz (W ’22) returned home from a night of partying. Quietly sneaking past her sleeping roommate and into bed, Lorenz thought she was tucked in for the night.
Brian McLaughlin (C '20) has been living next door to an off-campus fraternity for the past two years. “It’s ridiculous,” said the 20-year-old PPE major, “These guys are just drinking and smoking all day every day; it’s pathetic.”