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Quiz: Which Under the Button Writers Should Get Some Help Right Now?

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Photos by The Daily Pennsylvanian

By UTB STAFF

February 7, 2020 at 10:56 am

Under the Button fans are loyal. You've laughed with us, you've smirked with us when the joke was fine but, like, not amazing, and you've gotten concerned for us when it seemed like our writers were letting it all hang out! Our die-hard fans know — sometimes, UTB writers seem very sad and not ok : (.

Our fans are not wrong! Some of our writers should get some help right now. Take this quiz to help puzzle through which writers should seek professional help.



1. Uh-oh! One of our writers got very sad while typing up an article featured in this set. Can you help us figure out who?

A: Correction: HamCo Actually Short for Ham Company | Patrick Rich
B: Mental Health Fail! I Literally Can't Stop Crying | Arman Murphy
C: PennInTouch? More like PennIsTouch | Darrion Chen
D: OP-ED: I Don't Use Handshake Because It Spreads Germs | Caroline Curran

2. Some of our writers are very into puns. Others have deep unadressed traumas they spill into this magazine. Which writer decided to use this platform as a personal journal?

A: Respect: This Guy Gets It | Anthony Lagana
B: Pew Research Center Finds That Majority of Americans Say "Pew Pew" When Firing Imaginary Gun | Seth Fein
C: OP-ED: Can We Do Your Place Tonight? I Have Crippling Depression so My Room Is Really Messy | Sophie Trotto
D: Joe Biden Eats Bark: Maple | Amanda Nart

3. Cry for help alert: one of these articles is a cry for help. Which author seems unstable?

A: OP-ED: Phew at Least We're Showing up Late Together | Adam First
B: Yikes: Britain Just Used Their Last Extension, Next Time They Lose a Letter Grade | Becky Molinoff
C: Behind The Scenes! CNN Takes Commercial Break so Democratic Candidates Can Poop | Eleanor Stalick
D: Amazing! Sophomore Managed to Run Through Every Embarrassing Moment in Her Life on Walk to 9 AM Spanish Class | Shoshi Wintman

4. One of these writers got some concerned looks when they pitched this gem, but we let them write it anyway with little-to-no heartfelt follow-up! Which one?

A: Penn Student Does Not Want to Die Because That Would Decrease His Productivity | Sammy Gordon
B: OP-ED: Strega Nona Is Really That Bitch | Lauren Sorentino
C: UPennAlert: Really Fucking Cute Dog on 36th and Locust | Allen Zhu
D: OP-ED: But Where Are the Halal GALS? | Lauren Baron

5. You know what, this one, I'm only just realizing, should have raised a lot of red flags in the writers room. It did not. Did you catch the incredibly dark piece in this bunch?

A: BREAKING: Republican Congressman Claims "Hot Girl Summer" to Blame for Recent Heat Wave, Not Climate Change | Grace Ginsburg
B: DOJ to Investigate Admission of Swim Team Athlete Wearing Floaties | Seth Fein
C: 5 Fun On-Campus Activities to Help You Forget the Uncertainty and Despair Enveloping You | Sue Park
D: Genius: Wharton Grads' Startup Is the Warby Parker of Fingerless Gloves | David Akst


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