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BREAKING: West and Down Closed Permanently Following Failed Vibe Check


Photo by Tereza Matyaskova, Lukáš Malák / (CC BY-NC 4.0)

In the wake of several reports of negative energy swirling concentrated vortices at West and Down, the popular University City joint has now been permanently shut down. 

“We are not interested in allowing an establishment such as West and Down to continue to flourish,” said Ella Yelich-O’Connor, commissioner of the Philadelphia Vibe Force (PVF). “Every time we went there, it was pretty fun. But something was always a bit off. For this reason, we had no choice but to permanently foreclose the establishment.”

In addition to the historic dance club shutting down, the entire 39th street block between Chestnut and Sansom is set to be demolished. While some are excited to see the block reduced to a pile of rubble, members of Penn’s Bisexual Community (PBC) are devastated.

“What the hell are we supposed to do now?” said Bebe Rexha, president of PBC. “I don’t see any other avenue for us other than immediate and violent action. Simply put, we here at PBC are a mess without it.” 

The sick, twisted minds behind West and Down will be moving their establishment to an abandoned fish factory in Croatia. The owners said, “We are really excited about the new direction of West and Down, and we know our business model will flourish at Skuša-Šnjur Tvornica.”