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OP-ED: The Airpods Stay In During Sex


Photo by FloTV / CC0

I want to set this straight ladies, the pods stay on during sex. This is non-negotiable. You may be used to beta men who take off their AirPods when the condom comes on, but I’m not a simp. These are AirPods pro. They have noise-canceling capabilities, so I can pleasure you without distraction and listen to my Gary V. podcast at the same time. 

While you were off wanting some college student to hold you, I studied finance. While you were off flirting in writing seminar, I was interviewing at Goldman. While you made friends at NSO, I was networking. And now that you decided you wanted a Wharton man to take care of your spendthrift hobbies, you have the audacity to ask me to take off the AirPods. 

No, the AirPods stay on during sex. If you think I want to hear your moans and breathing over listening to a podcast about cryptocurrency, you are delusional. If you want to levy a criticism you can wait till after and we’ll have an autopsy report. But during the pods stay on.