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Breaking the Toilet: Lactose Intolerant Jessica Orders Another Whole Milk Latte


Photo by gnomeza / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0 

Meet Jessica, an HSOC sophomore whose strongest personality trait is being lactose intolerant. Despite never having confirmed her condition with a doctor, mentions of her lactose intolerance have manifested in areas such as her go-to fun fact, two truths and a lie, and her LinkedIn skills.

We ran into her in Stommons early Sunday evening. We questioned her decision of ordering a second venti whole milk latte.

“You see, even though I’ve shat my brains out in almost every bathroom on campus, I’m addicted to Starbucks! I’m just quirky like that,” explained Jessica.

We emailed Wharton sophomore Justin Verdaux about his perspective on the (fecal) matter.

“Jess is a cool girl and all — we met during NSO. But I’m hoping she stops this nonsense soon. She thinks consuming ridiculous amounts of milk while telling everyone around her she's allergic to it makes her interesting.  But all it does is reek — pun intended — havoc and make us all uncomfortable.”

Justin insists that he and Jessica’s other friends have tried everything to avert Jessica’s toxic behavior. Still, we offered Jessica Lactase pills and other plant-based alternatives.

“I cannot deal with fake milk and processed chemicals. As an HSOC major, I strive to avoid artificial products.”

Her stance on drinking processed foods did not seem to hold when she was taking Fireball shots the night before. Yet when we tried asking for further comment, Jessica was already on her way to the restroom.