OP-ED: Just Because I Got Cake Doesn't Mean I Shouldn't Be Allowed in Fisher

Although having the biggest and juiciest ass on campus has its advantages, I am often put in positions where I am forced to adapt to Penn’s flat-ass culture. For example, no amount of twisting or clenching can get me past the Fisher Fine Arts library turnstiles with ease — but I persevere. What lies beyond those discriminatory turnstiles is heaven: sturdy chairs equipped with cushions two times thicker than quad mattresses.

While nothing can beat Fisher’s luxurious cheek accommodation, my latest confrontation with Fisher was unacceptable. I roll up late one night, and the guard stopped me and said, “sorry, we’re closed.” What? Why was she denying me entry?

And then it clicked. It’s so obvious.

Listen, I understand the concern. I understand that my enormous protruding cheeks could knock down the hundreds, maybe millions of books housed in this ancient library. I understand my delicious ass could make other students hungry or set off allergies. But this is absolutely unfair. Just because you have a ban on food does NOT mean my cake shouldn’t be allowed in Fisher.