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Breaking: Jesus Self-Quarantining, Easter Canceled!


Photo (with edits) by GlendaleUMC is licensed under CC BY 2.0 

As the nation remains in quarantine, the Pope and Christians around the world wonder how Easter will be celebrated in light of the COVID-19 pandemic. Celebratory plans have changed because of the virus, most notably in the form of word coming down from on High that Jesus is apparently self-quarantining and there will be no resurrection this year. 

Jesus is clearly taking the pandemic seriously, and supposedly he has not gone outside (even to the grocery store) or talked to anyone since Friday. Reports claim that Jesus has gone above and beyond the CDC recommended safety precautions by rolling a large and impossibly heavy stone in front of his tomb so as to ensure that he is not disturbed. 

“The stone ensures that no one can get within 6 feet of Jesus’ corpse,” explained Mary Magdalene. “People complain about wearing facemasks, but Jesus rolled a stone in front of his home so that the community can be safe. There’s no need to ask “What would Jesus do?” because we already know. I hope many people will take up the cross, er, well stone, and do the same.”

When asked for his thoughts on the canceled resurrection, Judas commented, “I’m grateful that Jesus gave us the heads up and am happy that I get to sleep in for once — these last couple days have been a lot for me.” Despite his apparent excitement over the unexpected change of plans, the UTB staff was not completely sure that his remarks were genuine. When we pressed further, he admitted that he was disappointed and felt personally betrayed. 

We concluded our interviews by talking to Thomas. Surprisingly, Thomas seemed unaware that Jesus had postponed the resurrection. After filling him in, he remarked, “are you sure? I hear what you’re saying, but I think that you must be misinformed. I doubt anything like that would be possible.”

We applaud Jesus’s efforts to self-quarantine, even though it required canceling one of the most anticipated events of the season. While of course, it is a disappointment, congregations have been understanding of the situation. Jesus apologizes for any inconveniences the cancelation may have caused and promises a revival of the event next year.