I used to think that I would never be able to create a masterpiece as good as Veronica Roth's Divergent, but now, with the COVID-19 workshop, I can really imagine what it would be like to live in a world where you can never see the light of day. It’s inspiring!

While we recognize that our establishment is closed, because of your lack of support, we want to assure you that we are still here for you.

Please remember to keep your umbrellas closed when walking through the wind tunnel; it is a matter of public safety.

What started as an innocent example quickly escalated to a deeply personal tangent about his not-so-platonic love for both Chris Evans and his father.

What's that? You've been doing nothing except Netflix and Social Distance? It's time to change all that and make the most of this difficult time. Take this quiz to see which special skill you should acquire during your time in quarantine!

With rightful concern about spreading the coronavirus, a sincere handshake is a little too much personal contact. AirDrop is a much safer way to share the accomplishments of our graduating class without sharing germs. 

Please save the date! We hope to see you for the class of 2020 Commencement Ceremony at the Amy Gutmann field house on May 17th, 2075!

First, Fro Gro closes its sacred doors, and now Penn is closing due to the “coronavirus?” Sure, Jan. There’s no way we’re believing that nonsense.

You know what they say, “cheaters never win,” and I’m learning just how true that is. My laptop is fighting for academic integrity. In short, my computer keeps giving me Drexel ads because it KNOWS that I don’t belong here.

Everyone thinks my arrogant persona indicates that I’m compensating for something, and they’re right. But that is exactly why Penn needs to allow concealed carry on campus. 

With Fresh Grocer closing soon, here's a photo tour of the place where everyone will be headed in the next couple of weeks: the CVS food section.

It seems like UTB made some crazy hiring decisions this round, and we as a general Penn readership can only hope that the organization takes this important job more seriously in the future.

A national tragedy has occurred: news has recently come out that Fresh Grocer will be forced to close by none other than Penn’s own Undergraduate Assembly. “Why,” you ask? It’s simple.

Regardless of whether this is your 1st lonely Valentine’s Day or your 78th, the UTB Staff is here to provide you with some quality suggestions of what to do when you’re spending Valentine’s Day alone.