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Alicia Lopez


Gutmann Rejects "New Normal," Accepts Usual Paycheck

"And what's worse, everyone is talking about this "new normal" like we are never going to be able to go back to how life was before. I'm putting my foot down. I won't accept it."

In Midst of COVID Recession the Pleasure Chest Offers New $1400 Deluxe Package

To keep up with demand, The Pleasure Chest has just announced a new sale that the business is sure will attract customers' stimulus-check-heavy pockets. 

Disappointing! Student With Four Papers to Write Actually Illiterate

"I was looking at the Canvas site to read the prompt and it was like all the words had been replaced by these weird little sqiggles," recounts Goldman.

Meet the Student Responsible for 127 of Penn's 250 Campus Violations

Jones has been convicted of 2 accounts of arson, an assault, 3 bouts of breaking and entering, 4 public urination offenses, many speeding charges, 1 parking ticket, and 53 accounts of vandalism.

Op-Ed: Stop COVID Vaccinations and Let Us Die as the Lord Intended

If you repent and pray extra hard, you will be saved.

Wild! Despite Student Body Twitter Presence, High Schoolers Still Think Penn Is Cool

It doesn't matter if @homewrecker69 Tweets "P*nn sucks because it's so elitist," seniors will keep applying.

Hold up! How Did Wendell Get My Number?

Students began to text back "new phone who dis," and various memes. Pritchett did not respond to these texts. 

Student on Fourth Class Already Two Years Behind on Readings

After waking up at 12, two hours past the start time of her 10 am class, Kya prepared to do her readings. In preparation, she warmed up her eyes by reading the captions on her friends' Instagram posts.

Comeback Kid! Depression Returns as Classes Resume

Within minutes of setting foot on campus, students reported feeling sadness, anger, loss of interest and/or pleasure in most normal activities, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, and slowed thinking.

Sarah's Roommate Doesn't Do Dishes, Sarah Sends Her to COVID Prison

With trembling hands, she picked up her phone and went to the campus compact non-compliance form. She didn't want to do this to her best friend, but she had to.

0 Cases! Penn Sends COVID-19 Positive Students To Drexel

It was only when junior Charles Hall was seen wearing a Drexel shirt that we discovered the horrible truth.

Mistake! Student With Poor Time Management Signs up for All Asynchronous Classes

I know I've struggled with time management in the past, but I really want to make my own schedule, which is why I've elected to take all online classes.

Op-Ed: You Should Probably Start the Readings Now

I know you think you deserve a quick little 10-minute break (spoiler alert, you don't) and that you were hoping that a little UTB and chill would be helpful in relieving tension and help you focus long term, but trust me, it's not helping!

Gregory College House to Finally Get Air Conditioning in 2087

"Since we kicked kids off campus this semester, they will be so desperate to move into on campus housing that they won't even have time to complain about the lack of AC," explained Gutmann.

Sarah Traveled for Thanksgiving, Don’t Worry Everyone Was Totally Masked up the Entire Time

I'm driving to my Aunt's house, which is only three hours away, and we aren't going to stop at all, like even for gas or to use the bathroom, I mean if we broke down we would literally walk the rest of the way even if it was hundreds of miles and. . .

Victory! New Statue Celebrating Black Womanhood Proof That Penn Is Anti-Racist, Progressive

"We care so deeply for all our students, even, I mean, especially our students of color, so it was important for us to virtue signal our support for POC to the entire Philadelphia community" informed Gutmann in an exclusive UTB interview. 

Sister "Soooo Sorry" for Eating Sandwich That You Specifically and Clearly Labelled

I know life is crazy with the election and everything but an actual real-life national tragedy has occurred and nobody is paying attention to it.

Upping the Policy, Penn Will Allow 75 Students on Campus This Spring!

Just how many students would be allowed back to campus was not specified in the latest email. In an exclusive interview with Penn president, Amy Gutmann, UTB got the inside scoop of these numbers. 

If Penn Says I Can't Come, I'm Showing up With a Signed Note From My Mom

My mom is NOT the type of woman to sign notes for me willy nilly! That's why I was shocked when my mom told me that I would be going to school this spring regardless of University protocol.

Top Reasons Your "Apolitical" Friend Is Actually Just a Trump Supporter

Maybe you tried to talk about the debate and they, fidgeting and uncomfortable, responded, "What debate?" You can't help but think: is it REALLY possible that someone can be so apolitical?