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Alicia Lopez


Articles

My Study Abroad Was Great, Thanks for Asking!

While at first I was pretty bummed that my semester was cut short, I now realize that study abroad wasn't going to give me anything I couldn't get from the comfort of my own home.


Forget the Bikini, Sophie Looking Forward to Getting Mask Tan This Summer!

Sophomore Sophie Pearson would usually be hitting the beach to work on her tan, enabling her to flex on her friends come fall, but this summer she's got a small modification to her usual plan in mind.


Dear Penn: When You're Moving My Stuff, I Also Left a Sweatshirt in DRL Can You Get That?

It's black and has my high school (Oakcrest) on it. There are some stains on the right sleeve, I promise it's just ketchup, not blood or anything. Heh. Anyway, if you could go to DRL and get it, it would really mean a lot to me.


Mr. Clean to Step up as University Co-President

“Our concerns about COVID-19 are real, we are taking this very seriously, but we also really want to open because we are committed to quality education. For that reason, the tall, handsome, Mr. Clean will be helping us out this fall.”


Virtual Commencement Concludes With Redirect to Alumni Giving Page

A pop-up message complete with virtual confetti appeared saying, “Congratulations, class of 2020! What better way to celebrate your graduation than to make a gift to The Penn Fund?”


Missouri, State Known for a Bent Piece of Metal and Meth, Sues China for Disruption Due to COVID-19

"The whole world is suffering from this here coronavirus and it’s all China’s fault! It’s only right that they should pay. Ain’t no nobody, state, or country gonna take away my freedom. This is America, damn it! I say sue ‘em!"


Penn Promoting Gap Year for International Students "Just so They Know It's There"

Penn, like many other universities, has yet to announce its four-months-away response to the rapidly evolving pandemic with new information daily. Despite this, Penn Dean of Admissions, Eric “swearing at the Eagles” Furda (C '87) sent an email to international students this past week promoting gap year options “just so they know they are there.”


Student Found Hiding out in Gregory College House!

They wanted to know how he had gotten into the locked building. Evans replied simply, “I never left.”


Student Jet Lagged After Huge Trip Taking out Trash

He opened the door and faced the harshness of the elements. It was a sunny day, 78 degrees, and the sun was blinding. Was this God’s punishment? Indeed. 


Wow! Penn Really Not Gonna Change to Pass/Fail

Public response to the move was overwhelmingly negative as some students are put at a disadvantage due to lack of resources and others claim, "the stress of having to study is too much for them."


Breaking: Jesus Self-Quarantining, Easter Canceled!

Recently, word came down from on High that Jesus is self-quarantining and there will be no resurrection this year. 


Coronavirus Actually Writing Workshop for Teen Dystopian Novels

I used to think that I would never be able to create a masterpiece as good as Veronica Roth's Divergent, but now, with the COVID-19 workshop, I can really imagine what it would be like to live in a world where you can never see the light of day. It’s inspiring!


Bobby’s Burger Palace COVID-19 Response Plan

While we recognize that our establishment is closed, because of your lack of support, we want to assure you that we are still here for you.


Student Missing After Daring to Use an Umbrella in the Wind Tunnel by the High-Rises

Please remember to keep your umbrellas closed when walking through the wind tunnel; it is a matter of public safety.


Oops! Professor’s Freudian “Example” a Little Too Specific to Be “On the Spot”

What started as an innocent example quickly escalated to a deeply personal tangent about his not-so-platonic love for both Chris Evans and his father.


QUIZ: What "Special Skill" Should You Get in You Quarantine Free Time?

What's that? You've been doing nothing except Netflix and Social Distance? It's time to change all that and make the most of this difficult time. Take this quiz to see which special skill you should acquire during your time in quarantine!


BREAKING: Amy Gutmann to AirDrop Diplomas to Graduating Seniors

With rightful concern about spreading the coronavirus, a sincere handshake is a little too much personal contact. AirDrop is a much safer way to share the accomplishments of our graduating class without sharing germs. 


Seniors Return as Senior Citizens to Be Honored With Commencement Ceremony

Please save the date! We hope to see you for the class of 2020 Commencement Ceremony at the Amy Gutmann field house on May 17th, 2075!


Penn Closes in Solidarity With Fro Gro

First, Fro Gro closes its sacred doors, and now Penn is closing due to the “coronavirus?” Sure, Jan. There’s no way we’re believing that nonsense.


Sad! My Computer Gives Me Drexel Ads Because It Knows I'm Not Smart Enough for Penn

You know what they say, “cheaters never win,” and I’m learning just how true that is. My laptop is fighting for academic integrity. In short, my computer keeps giving me Drexel ads because it KNOWS that I don’t belong here.


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