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Alicia Lopez


Translation Guide: Understanding the Father Tongue

Your key to a genuine conversation this Father's Day!

Change Up! Dad Who Usually Complains About Never Seeing Kids Now Wants Kids Permanently Out of House

"I don't know what happened, but those kids are little monsters," said Mr. Jackson in an interview, "now I understand what that phrase 'too much of a good thing' means." 

Celebrate Dad by Recreating That BBQ Shown During the Side Effects of Every Medication Ad

There's still time to string together the one thing that Dad has been hoping for: that idealized fantasy picnic shown during the side effects of every medication ad. 

Op-Ed: 20 Years Old Is Not Too Old for Father’s Day Breakfast in Bed

I know you wanted to go all out for Father's Day, but sometimes you're lazy, broke, or both. What to do? Time to whip out an old reliable: Breakfast in Bed. 

Student Interning from Home Regrets Passionate Goth My Little Pony Phase

Golding was pleased with her magnum opus for about 10 months before her pride turned to indifference, dislike, disgust, then finally repulsion.

“You Don’t Understand Me!” and Other Zingers for a Constructive Disagreement With Your Parents

 "I hate you!" is the perfect phrase to yell at your parents as you beg them to love you and give you everything you ask for.

Student Thrilled to Receive Incomplete On Credit/No Credit Assignment, Will Learn More This Way

While at first, he was angry about his TA's decision to grade a credit/no-credit based on quality, Turner soon saw the light and realized he would get a lot more out of the class if he did an extra assignment to make up for the incomplete. 

Caring Professor Announces Final Will Be Called "Midterm" to Relieve Stress

Exams are upon us and students are stressed as usual. However, one generous Professor, Physicist Paul Heiney, won't let the end of the year kill his students.

Gutmann Rejects "New Normal," Accepts Usual Paycheck

"And what's worse, everyone is talking about this "new normal" like we are never going to be able to go back to how life was before. I'm putting my foot down. I won't accept it."

In Midst of COVID Recession the Pleasure Chest Offers New $1400 Deluxe Package

To keep up with demand, The Pleasure Chest has just announced a new sale that the business is sure will attract customers' stimulus-check-heavy pockets. 

Disappointing! Student With Four Papers to Write Actually Illiterate

"I was looking at the Canvas site to read the prompt and it was like all the words had been replaced by these weird little sqiggles," recounts Goldman.

Meet the Student Responsible for 127 of Penn's 250 Campus Violations

Jones has been convicted of 2 accounts of arson, an assault, 3 bouts of breaking and entering, 4 public urination offenses, many speeding charges, 1 parking ticket, and 53 accounts of vandalism.

Op-Ed: Stop COVID Vaccinations and Let Us Die as the Lord Intended

If you repent and pray extra hard, you will be saved.

Wild! Despite Student Body Twitter Presence, High Schoolers Still Think Penn Is Cool

It doesn't matter if @homewrecker69 Tweets "P*nn sucks because it's so elitist," seniors will keep applying.

Hold up! How Did Wendell Get My Number?

Students began to text back "new phone who dis," and various memes. Pritchett did not respond to these texts. 

Student on Fourth Class Already Two Years Behind on Readings

After waking up at 12, two hours past the start time of her 10 am class, Kya prepared to do her readings. In preparation, she warmed up her eyes by reading the captions on her friends' Instagram posts.

Comeback Kid! Depression Returns as Classes Resume

Within minutes of setting foot on campus, students reported feeling sadness, anger, loss of interest and/or pleasure in most normal activities, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, and slowed thinking.

Sarah's Roommate Doesn't Do Dishes, Sarah Sends Her to COVID Prison

With trembling hands, she picked up her phone and went to the campus compact non-compliance form. She didn't want to do this to her best friend, but she had to.

0 Cases! Penn Sends COVID-19 Positive Students To Drexel

It was only when junior Charles Hall was seen wearing a Drexel shirt that we discovered the horrible truth.

Mistake! Student With Poor Time Management Signs up for All Asynchronous Classes

I know I've struggled with time management in the past, but I really want to make my own schedule, which is why I've elected to take all online classes.