Each step is revealed one at a time, forcing students to complete them in order from 1 to 23. Only after all 23 steps have been completed will a student's meal plan be canceled.

In my day, I’ve seen a thing or two. I know that when cottage cheese turns green you’re supposed to throw it out. In much the same way, I know that when an article is number one for too long, someone is manipulating page views on the UTB website.

"Well, strictly speaking, er — scientifically I mean, this is in fact the beginning of the apocalypse. We should have been paying more attention in early March when the plague rained down on us. The good news is at this point, so much has happened this year, it's less of an apocalypse and more of a mercy killing."

I brought Gutmann's salary up in an email to the Penn administration and they said I was "treading on thin ice and should stop my investigation". I thought that they were just trying to protect their enormous salaries and continued my search. It was then I found the tragic tale of a woman who is force-fed 4 million dollars every year.

In the midst of my musings, the realization that my doubts were sinful hit me. I immediately sought to repent. I drove to campus to confess my wrongdoing and seek forgiveness. As I, sweaty and tired from the drive, pounded on the gates of The Honorable President Gutmann's estate, I was delivered. She arrived.

While of course, safety comes first and I would never want professors teaching in-person if they weren't comfortable with it, I was struggling to see how the University could call the fall semester a hybrid experience. Fortunately, I was able to interview President Gutmann and now, it all makes sense to me!

All of my friends have been assigned rooms in actual dorms. Honestly, I felt kinda bad for them. They kept going on and on about how "I have a kitchen now" and I didn't have the heart to point out that living in a dumpster is like living with an all you can eat buffet

To those of you who thought you would have heard about housing by now, you simply didn't translate the University message properly. Penn, like many organizations, often uses a language called "Baseless Sentences," or as it is known to experts in the field of linguistics, BS. 

I make the majority of my yearly salary listening to students who live in the quad freak out thinking they have skin cancer or something, when it's really just Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease. From a dermatological perspective, the Penn campus wasn't that safe health-wise before the pandemic. There's nothing to lose!" - Dr. Rose Clearskin, Dermatologist at Wartz B Gone Practice

When I woke up to see #Disneyisoverparty on Twitter, I thought to myself, "No way! Surely it would take more than some angry Twitter users to end a billion-dollar corporation." But this is America, fellas. This, not Disney, is the land where dreams come true. 

"I always carried around the weight that I was rejected from Princeton — it was a point of shame for a long time, but after hearing Princeton's fall plan, I don't feel bad anymore. I feel like Penn is a better fit for me than Princeton ever would have been.

For the phrase, "For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us" he would add, "If I were interested in large bodies, I'd pay a visit to his majesty's mother".

"Why am I still required to have a meal plan?" is one of the top questions on the Penn Dining FAQ page. Some speculate that Penn just wants to rake in the money, but in reality, that couldn't be farther from the truth. 

"I've bought 15 Penn sweatshirts so far, but I still haven't found a golden ticket," explained stressed junior Andre Jones. "At this point, I'll be wearing Penn sweatshirts almost exclusively well into my 30s."

For the sake of parents' basements everywhere, Amy Gutmann, if you're reading this, listen to the students' pleas and give us a hybrid experience. We know there's a risk of COVID, but anything's better than another four months at home.

Scrolling down to the "About" section, I thought that surely Furda, a man who went to our school and has worked there for years, would at the least give Amy Gutmann a shoutout, but no. 

They're holding their guns. I guess that's the Texan way. Oop, the slurs are coming, I hear them now, but I feel like this time the slurs are coming from a point of acceptance.

At its core, Ur Local Conservatory and Botanical Gardens’ mission is to improve quality of life and connect with the community — elderly women, garden geeks, and the occasional school field trip. As part of that mission, we are supporting the resolution declaring racism a public health crisis.

Little did she know, but her post was exactly what the world needed. Within a minute of posting, racial tensions diminished, equality was reached, and people all over the world began to sing a song that had never been sung.

While at first I was pretty bummed that my semester was cut short, I now realize that study abroad wasn't going to give me anything I couldn't get from the comfort of my own home.