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Alicia Lopez


Articles

Coronavirus Actually Writing Workshop for Teen Dystopian Novels

I used to think that I would never be able to create a masterpiece as good as Veronica Roth's Divergent, but now, with the COVID-19 workshop, I can really imagine what it would be like to live in a world where you can never see the light of day. It’s inspiring!


Bobby’s Burger Palace COVID-19 Response Plan

While we recognize that our establishment is closed, because of your lack of support, we want to assure you that we are still here for you.


Student Missing After Daring to Use an Umbrella in the Wind Tunnel by the High-Rises

Please remember to keep your umbrellas closed when walking through the wind tunnel; it is a matter of public safety.


Oops! Professor’s Freudian “Example” a Little Too Specific to Be “On the Spot”

What started as an innocent example quickly escalated to a deeply personal tangent about his not-so-platonic love for both Chris Evans and his father.


QUIZ: What "Special Skill" Should You Get in You Quarantine Free Time?

What's that? You've been doing nothing except Netflix and Social Distance? It's time to change all that and make the most of this difficult time. Take this quiz to see which special skill you should acquire during your time in quarantine!


BREAKING: Amy Gutmann to AirDrop Diplomas to Graduating Seniors

With rightful concern about spreading the coronavirus, a sincere handshake is a little too much personal contact. AirDrop is a much safer way to share the accomplishments of our graduating class without sharing germs. 


Seniors Return as Senior Citizens to Be Honored With Commencement Ceremony

Please save the date! We hope to see you for the class of 2020 Commencement Ceremony at the Amy Gutmann field house on May 17th, 2075!


Penn Closes in Solidarity With Fro Gro

First, Fro Gro closes its sacred doors, and now Penn is closing due to the “coronavirus?” Sure, Jan. There’s no way we’re believing that nonsense.


Sad! My Computer Gives Me Drexel Ads Because It Knows I'm Not Smart Enough for Penn

You know what they say, “cheaters never win,” and I’m learning just how true that is. My laptop is fighting for academic integrity. In short, my computer keeps giving me Drexel ads because it KNOWS that I don’t belong here.


OP-ED: I Have a Small Cock so I Need a Big Glock

Everyone thinks my arrogant persona indicates that I’m compensating for something, and they’re right. But that is exactly why Penn needs to allow concealed carry on campus. 


Coping With the Loss of Fro Gro: A Photo Tour of the CVS Food Section

With Fresh Grocer closing soon, here's a photo tour of the place where everyone will be headed in the next couple of weeks: the CVS food section.


BREAKING: New UTB Writer, Alicia Lopez, Not Actually Funny

It seems like UTB made some crazy hiring decisions this round, and we as a general Penn readership can only hope that the organization takes this important job more seriously in the future.


BREAKING: Fro Gro Closure Actually an Elaborate Heist to Promote New Trader Joe's Shuttle

A national tragedy has occurred: news has recently come out that Fresh Grocer will be forced to close by none other than Penn’s own Undergraduate Assembly. “Why,” you ask? It’s simple.


Alone on Valentine’s Day? Here Are Five Things to Do Instead of Going on a Romantic Date With the Love of Your Life

Regardless of whether this is your 1st lonely Valentine’s Day or your 78th, the UTB Staff is here to provide you with some quality suggestions of what to do when you’re spending Valentine’s Day alone.


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