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So Sad! This "Quarantine" Thing Is Mildly Inconvenient For Travis :(


Photo from the Public Domain

This past week, COVID-19 took its 100,000th victim. Those victims do not yet include College senior Travis McElroy or any of his friends or relatives. McElroy nonetheless tweeted Sunday morning from the comfort of his home, "I'm literally dying." Travis is as close to struggling as he has ever been, and he would really like your attention right now.

"I just can't believe this is happening to me," said McElroy to literally everyone who came into contact with him since quarantine started. "This whole outbreak is just really unfair. To me. Personally." McElroy also had several things to say about society's handling of the situation. "Penn took away my senior year... and so did the government... and also my liberal neighbor, Betty. Fuck Betty." 

McElroy explained his beliefs further. "While I think that COVID is a serious problem and that quarantine is necessary, I just... actually don't think those things, deep down. It's a nuanced belief that is often hard for others to grasp."

In response to an article written by Travis in an esteemed local newspaper, the CDC has introduced a new scale to use when determining a course of action for future epidemics. As its name suggests, the "Level of Inconvenience To Travis Individually" ("LITTI") scale will measure the level of inconvenience caused to Travis personally by any future private or public policy regarding spontaneous outbreaks of infectious disease. 

At the end of the day, experts have agreed that solutions to such outbreaks that do not affect Travis personally may be ultimately preferred to those which cause Travis to act like a whiney little bitch.