Plot-Twist! Those Frat Fliers Slipped Under Your Door Were Actually Provisions for Toilet-Paper Shortage

A recent email sent out to the student body detailed the University's efforts to help members of the Penn community cope with the global pandemic. Despite concerns that the University was underprepared in its response, the email implies Penn's response to the COVID-19 crisis began as early as freshman orientation.

Penn’s Public Health and Safety commission urged shitty frats and performance groups to bombard students with paper materials throughout the year. What was initially interpreted as annoying advertisements may actually have been the key to the student body’s safety during the global crisis. With grocery stores across the globe failing to meet the demand for toilet-paper, Penn officials slept soundly knowing their student body was provided with a stockpile of paper materials.

We interviewed Penn sophomore Jason Redulo: “I truly appreciate the variety of clubs I never want to join represented on the papers I use to wipe my ass. While I would have appreciated more information regarding how Penn would help FGLI students during the coronavirus pandemic, I’m proud of Penn's proactive and early response.”

Now under quarantine, continued distribution of paper products to the student body poses a challenge for the hundreds of clubs that were tasked with the production of fliers. In response, organizations like the Mask and Wig club have refocused the distribution of their mounds of fliers to New York hospitals facing shortages.