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Missouri, State Known for a Bent Piece of Metal and Meth, Sues China for Disruption Due to COVID-19


Graphic by Alicia Lopez / The Daily Pennsylvanian; Photos by craigdietrich / CC BY 2.0 

This just in, Missouri, a state known primarily for the St. Louis Arch and its high rate of crystal meth busts, has sued China, one of the world’s most powerful countries, for general disruption due to COVID-19. Missouri resident, William James, claims, “The whole world is suffering from this here coronavirus and it’s all China’s fault! It’s only right that they should pay. Ain’t no nobody, state, or country gonna take away my freedom. This is America, damn it! I say sue ‘em!” 

We asked James what activities he was missing due to the quarantine and his eyes got shifty. He shuffled from one foot to the other and looked around before simply saying, it was “bad for business.” “Initially,” James continued, “I was excited for all this “Zooming” people said would be going on, but after I learned it was just some sort of video messaging app, I lost interest.” As a police car went by, James asked if we could go inside. We complied. 

We asked James if he had been affected by the many activities which have been canceled due to COVID-19 such as sports, school, and social gatherings. “Yeah, we don’t really have those things in Missouri and we’re more Budweiser people than Corona, but don’t get me wrong, we’re still very much so affected by this deadly virus. That’s why China’s got it coming to them.” 

We asked Missouri governor, Mike Parson, about his thoughts on the lawsuit with China. “I think we’ve got a very high chance of winning the lawsuit. We have a lot of evidence of how all these shutdowns have negatively impacted our way of life,” Parson responded. We asked for a few examples and Parson claimed that he would love to share some, but he “didn’t want the media to leak the details of the case.” 

Parson ended his statement strong with “We may not be the biggest or the best state, and I know everyone thinks MO is Montana and not Missouri, but we’re gonna take this straight to the courts and we're gonna win this for America.” UTB wishes Parson and the state of Missouri the best of luck with their lawsuit.