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Email From the Provost: "OMG That Was Your Stuff? Ugh, We Threw That out Woops :P"


Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian

What's up bitchesss,

It's me, Wendell. Didn't expect me to be writing to you about housing, I bet. Haha yea well I like to shake things up. Also, I'm suuuper bored since there is literally like nothing for me to do in quarantine. Oh, what's that? You think I shouldn't be bored? You think I should be solving any number of COVID-19 related problems and/or systemic regular problems affecting Penn students? Huh, sounds like a you problem. 

Anyways, housing. We at Penn... we have housing. Housing exists at our school. Kids... at Penn. They are affected. By housing. This is the sentimental paragraph of the email, why are you even reading this. Don't read this, you idiot. I bet you do all your readings for class word for word. You nerd. You fool. Skip this part of the email. Penn students are affected by things and those things include but are not limited to housing in the housing systems that we at Penn provide. Blah. Idiot. 

Hi, you are now reading the actual email. If you skipped to this part without reading the sentimental fluffy part, good for you. Okay but yea, your stuff. We know you all want to know about your stuff. Well, here's the thing. We sent you that email a while back saying that we (quote) hadn't reeeaally done anything (unquote), but that you should wait a month or whatever and we'd figure it out. 

Truth is, immediately after sending that email we threw your shit awaaaay. Woops! Oopsies! It was so fun. Have you ever thrown shit out of a high rise window? No. You haven't. Okay, maybe you have. But like. We're talkin toasters and old toothbrushes and like pillows and vibrators and books and shit. Real dorm shit. You could never. 

Anyways yea! So, we got bored and threw away every single possession left in a dorm. What are you gonna do about it? It's not like we were gonna actually make a plan to get it back to you. Idiot.

Okay, toodles!