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Dean Furda Leaves Upper Decker in Office Bathroom as a Gift to His Replacement


Photos by Fox Sports, Public Domain

This week, beloved dean of admissions, Eric Furda, announced that he will be resigning from the University.  Known for his generosity, Furda felt compelled to give back and pass on a little part of himself to his replacement. “I’m outta here bitches!” Furda screamed as he took an upper decker in the private admissions office bathroom. For the unsophisticated reader, an upper decker is the charitable act of pooping into the tank of a toilet. 

“I thought it would be a nice way for my successor to remember me and to cement my legacy in one of the most permanent ways possible” Furda stated. “I mean REALLY, that shit will not come out of there naturally. Either they’re going to have to replace the whole toilet or the new guy is rolling up his sleeves and fishing it out.”  

“I just hope he appreciates it because I did my best to go all out for him” Furda continued. Based off the chunks in the tank, Furda ate six rolls of Fresh Grocer spicy tuna sushi along with two Dulcolax before setting forth on this endeavor. “Yeah, I know that you’re probably confused because Fresh Grocer shut down three months ago. But I’m about to let you in on a little secret, I bought that sushi six months ago!” Furda bragged.

Furda has been extremely protective of his gift, threatening to fight off or bribe any cleaning person who has stepped foot in the office. “He’s being ridiculous.” Jeremy the custodian said, “I already told him no one wants to go near that thing, let alone clean it up. I did take the hundred-dollar bribe though.” 

As Furda perused the details of his resignation letter, a look of concern came over his face. “Wait! This thing says that I’m resigning as of December 31st. But I thought…… oh crap!” Furda exclaimed as he put on a pair of latex gloves. “This might have been a mistake.”