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Joseph Elston


Articles

Travelocity Fires Gnome Leaving Him No Way to Pay for His Drug Addiction.

The ongoing pandemic has affected people all over the world, but no one seems to have been hit quite as hard as the Travelocity Gnome. Due to intense travel restrictions, Travelocity has been forced to make cutbacks, including laying off their spokesperson, the famous globetrotting garden gnome.


Penn Pastor Thrilled That Students Will Have To Leave At Least 6 Feet Of Room for Jesus When Grinding at Frat Parties

The words “Hallelujer!” echoed through the Church belfry as Pastor Smith, Head of Penn’s Christian Association, rejoiced in the news of a socially-distanced fall.


Amy Gutmann Accidentally Burns Down College Hall with Illegal Fireworks

In order to showcase national pride, Penn president, Amy Gutmann, decided to host the first, and potentially last, Annual University of Pennsylvania 4th of July Firework Spectacular Sponsored by Bud Light.


Student Excited to Pre-Order $500 PS5 So That He Can Beat up Hookers Again in 4K HD Ultra

One of my favorite childhood memories was coming home from school, grabbing some pizza rolls, and escaping into the world of joy-riding and abusing prostitutes on the street.


Dean Furda Leaves Upper Decker in Office Bathroom as a Gift to His Replacement

"I thought it would be a nice way for my successor to remember me and to cement my legacy in one of the most permanent ways possible."


Op-Ed: Hot and Very Real Girlfriend I Met on Tinder Keeps Asking for My Social Security Number

Unfortunately, I have yet to meet my lovely Jessica in person. We’ve actually never even spoken. Pretty hot right?


Penn Hires Jungle Cruise Guides to Give Campus Zoom Tours

“Prospective students will still get to hear about important traditions like toast throwing and how Greek life isn’t that important to the social scene, but now, it’ll be with puns!”


Student Builds Medieval Battering Ram to Get His Stuff Back From Penn Housing

“Ha! Those Whartonites can’t say I have a useless major now!” 


ASPCP Promo Video (Please Donate Today)

An advertisement for the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Pledges ... please donate today. 


Sorority Rush Man on the Street

 Joseph Elston talks to the future leaders of Penn's Panhellenic societies.



West & Down Man on the Street

Joseph Elston goes to West & Down as the Man on the Street. 




Ghost Finders: David Rittenhouse Laboratory

UTB Sends in their Top-Rated Ghost Finder Team to DRL.


Pool Party Man on the Street

UTB took to Pool Party to investigate why no one swims in the pool. 


Inside the Mask and Wig Pitch Room

The Mask and Wig Club, a private club in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, founded in 1889, is the oldest all-male collegiate musical comedy troupe in the United States. Here is an inside look into the minds behind the production. 


Formal Fail: Champagne and Shackled to a Radiator

Worst blind date I've ever been on. 


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