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With Departure of Furda, Penn Admissions to Lose 100% of Sex Appeal


Photo by Chase Sutton / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Penn recently announced that Dean of Admissions Eric J. Furda will be resigning from his post, utterly devastating the aggregate sex appeal of Penn Admissions. While Furda claimed he was leaving his post to spend more time with his children (yeah, sure Eric), UTB has deduced the real reason for his sudden departure: with recent budget cuts, the University can no longer afford the salary of its hot, sexy, well-proportioned admissions cover boy. 

Wharton analysts predict that the dean’s departure will result in a severe reduction in applications to the University. “The golden rule of marketing is that ‘sex sells’. Fundamentally, Penn Admissions is a marketing scheme,” explained Matthew Addams, a marketing professor at the Wharton School. “Prospective students absolutely must be titillated by the Dean of Admissions if you expect them to enroll at your University.” Addams further elaborated that Dean Furda would be what he considers a “silver fox”, a rare breed of Dean that is particularly potent and able to draw in a high number of applicants. 

“Dean Furda is the perfect example for what deans of admission across the country should be doing,” explained Daniella Frank, a consultant at Within Higher Ed. “He’s got the face. The body. The style. And above all else, he’s got the passion. Have you seen that man scream at sporting events? Every second that his face was on the news probably brought in another ten grand for the University in application fees. His jawline alone probably could have covered the expense of his salary.” 

Despite the major financial contributions his beauty made to the University, UTB confirmed in an exclusive interview with President Gutmann that it was not enough to save him from the University’s ruthless budget cuts. Explained President Gutmann, “In a time as ugly as ours, we simply could no longer afford the luxury of Eric’s beauty. It was a flower that could not weather the storm of 2020. Since Eric and his good looks were the last sparks of joy accessible to the Penn community, his rates went up considerably and we could no longer afford him.”

In memoriam of our devilishly handsome Dean of Admissions, Under the Button has partnered with The Daily Pennsylvanian to include a second photo of Dean Furda (included above) and encourage everyone to meditate on it and consider how this sexy face will now be a much rarer sight on Locust Walk.