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Student Excited to Pre-Order $500 PS5 So That He Can Beat up Hookers Again in 4K HD Ultra


Photo by Silvio Sousa Cabral / CC BY 2.0

It’s coming people! Earlier this week Sony held a massive reveal for their upcoming PlayStation 5 console. Many fans dreamed of the long-awaited announcement of the next installment in the Grand Theft Auto Franchise, Grand Theft Auto Six. What they got, however, was something just as good, maybe even better.  

During a preview of upcoming games, Sony announced that they would be anchoring the new console around none other than a newly enhanced reboot of Grand Theft Auto Five. This will be the third version of the exact same game, which has previously been released PlayStation 3 and 4. 

“I feel so blessed to be able to do it all AGAIN” proclaimed college student, Max Christopher (C’22), a life-long fan. “One of my favorite childhood memories was coming home from school, grabbing some pizza rolls, and escaping into the world of joy-riding and abusing prostitutes on the street. However, I always felt that it lacked realism. Luckily, with new 4k HD Ultra graphics, I’ll finally be able to see the deep emotional trauma in the eyes of all the hookers when I pull up in my Lamborghini and demand fellatio at gunpoint.”

Christopher plans to pre-order the system, which is currently speculated to be at least $500, a hundred dollars more than the cost of the PlayStation 4. When asked about how he planned on paying for this expense, he answered “I’m willing to do anything to experience these graphics. Not eat for a few weeks, sell my roommate’s sneakers on eBay, become a real-life pimp. Whatever it takes.” 

While many still hope that Grand Theft Auto Six will come out in the future, Christopher has bigger things in mind. “Screw Grand Theft Auto Six! What we all really need is Grand Theft Auto Five AGAIN, but this time in a 4D immersive Virtual Reality. You hear that, Sony? I won’t be satisfied until I get to experience a hit and run where you can actually feel the tires roll over the body!”