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Op-Ed: Hot and Very Real Girlfriend I Met on Tinder Keeps Asking for My Social Security Number


Photo by Lynsey Van der Putten / CC BY 2.0

It’s finally happened. I am happy to report that I have met the woman of my dreams while venturing into the frightening world of Tinder! Due to the on-going pandemic, I was a little worried that 2020 would be a completely sex-less year for me. Well, besides the first 3 months, of course, those months were just marathons of lovemaking. I mean I needed a little break, I’m only human. 

Unfortunately, I have yet to meet my lovely Jessica in person. We’ve actually never even spoken. Pretty hot right? I do have one picture of her though. I think she might be a model because there’s this watermark in the corner that says “Shutterstock Images”. 

Even though we haven’t talked in person, she loves texting. The first message she sent to me on Tinder was “I don’t like this app haha, let me get them digits.” Jackpot! I would never have guessed I’d be able to make such a wonderful connection with a real person so quickly.

However, I’ve started to worry that we’re becoming a little distant. She just doesn’t seem to be listening to what I’m saying anymore. Yesterday I asked her if she had been watching any good movies, and she launched into a rant about how her vibrator just wasn’t doing it for her anymore and she needed me to come over ASAP!

That last message brightened my day. It was finally time to meet my super hot girlfriend face to face. I told her I’d meet up with her right away, but she sent me a link and said, “I’m really nervous and just want to make sure you’re not a creep, please fill out the background check on this website.”

So I went to the link, entered my social security number and bank account information, and submitted it. For some reason though, I haven’t heard from Jessica since. What the hell did that background check say about me that scared such a nice and genuine woman off?

On a completely unrelated note, I recently received a notification that someone has opened a Discover card under my name in Clearwater, Florida and bought $500 worth of Texas Roadhouse gift cards.