Breaking: You Don’t Have to Go Home, but You Can’t Stay Here
August 11, 2020 at 2:35 pm
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
In a shocking twist of an email, President Gutmann announced Penn’s revisions to its entirely plausible plan to reopen campus in the fall. The email detailed that students were very much not welcome back, and included one last call for alcohol, encouraging students to finish their whiskey and beer.
Students who had already moved into their off-campus apartments, expecting a partially in-person semester, were told that “it’s time for you to go back to the places you will be from.” Gutmann further suggested that “students should gather up [their] jackets, and move it to the exits,” adding that she “hopes you have found a friend" because you definitely aren't making any new ones this semester.
Penn Chief Wellness Officer Benoit Dubé, added, “I know who I want to take you home, I know who I want to take you home … your fucking parents, bitch.”
In an interview with Under the Button staff, President Gutmann summarized the recent announcement, declaring, “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”