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Penn Provides Free COVID Testing (Included with all Purchases $80,000 or More)


Photo by Melanie Hilman / Edits by Eleanor Stalick

Has this ever happened to you?

"Oh no! I'm stuck in a global pandemic!"

Have you ever found yourself saying things like...

"Oh God! There is no way for me to tell whether or not I have the disease at hand because testing kits are scarce, insurance is privatized and tied to employment, and the government is utterly incompetent!"

Well, fret no more! Coming to a school near YOU for THIS FALL ONLY, you can get your VERY OWN COVID-19 testing kit for FREE! As of Friday, July 31, every Penn student will be provided with no less than TWO free COVID-19 testing kits prior to the start of the fall semester!

"Free COVID testing, you say? Oh boy! What a country!"

That's right! And ALL for the low low price of only $53,166 in tuition! To pay for the classes that you can't actually attend, of course!

"Wait, wha--"

AND THAT'S NOT ALL! Let's not forget the one-time payment of $6,879 in fees for the gym, libraries, and other facilities that you won't be able to enter! 

" . . . "

That's right folks, and when you select "On-Campus Housing" at check-out, we'll DOUBLE down on the fact that you owe Penn 5,482 more dollars! We've got BOOKS, we've got SUPPLIES, we've got TRANSPORTATION, we've got PERSONAL EXPENSES! For an estimated additional $4,284, all this could be YOURS!

*dies, maybe from shock but also maybe from coronavirus, too poor to know for sure* 

SO COME ON DOWN to Penn and claim your two FREE COVID tests... TODAY!