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TikTok Ban Does More For National Security Than CIA in Past 70 Years


Photo by Max Pixel / CC0 Public Domain

 Worried about national security, the Trump administration has banned the Chinese-owned app, TikTok, from operating in the United States. 

“The Ginese really be spying on us through TikTok,” said President Trump. “We can’t let Gina steal our silly teenage dances. That’s ultra-secret American intellectual property. The most intellectual of American intellectual property.”

Despite the fact that all iPhones in the United States are manufactured in China, the ban on the popular social media platform used by adolescents has been touted as a historical and effective move in counter-espionage.

“This ban is brilliant for national security,” said Trump. “It’ll definitely be more effective than anything we’ve done before, like propping up oppressive military dictatorships, funding and supplying terrorists, and attempting coups on sovereign nations.” 

The ban has even been applauded by the Chinese government. 

“We actually support the ban,” said Chinese President Xi Jinping. “If Americans can no longer access TikTok, then Chinese users won’t ever be exposed and degraded by the cringe-ass shit the damn Americans post on TikTok. I think that’s a win for Chinese national security and intellectual health. Chinese students are now ensured to be intellectually superior.” 

It has been floated that the American company Microsoft should buy TikTok’s American operations.

“We’d much rather have Microsoft own TikTok,” said Trump. “I feel so much better knowing that  an American business is spying on American citizens instead of Gina.”