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Darrion Chen


Articles

New Police Uniforms Include Scythe, Black Hood, and Cloak

 “I think the uniform changes are great,” said officer Dereck Shauvin. “The previous tight pants really inhibited my movement. When I was kneeling on an innocent black guy’s neck, the tight pants pinched my balls and it hurt a lot.” 


‘I'm Going to Exercise Tomorrow’ Says Student Every Day

 “I’ve just been too busy with everything,” said Rosewater. “The other day, I had to finish a Netflix series, another day I had to play 40 games of League of Legends, and just yesterday I had to take a 5 hour nap in the middle of the day.” 


Student Enrolls in Summer CIS 160 To Preserve Mental Health in Quarantine

 “The class will also give me a sense of purpose with something to do, so it definitely won’t fuel my depression and self-doubt.” 


Junior 'Travels the World' by Varying Sleep Schedule

 “By going to bed later and later, I was pretty much just continuously travelling around the world in terms of time zones,” said Park. “Lately, I have been spending a lot of time in Fiji by going to bed at 6am.” 


After Semester Online, All Penn Students Become Nearsighted

In an official statement, Student Health Services reported that all Penn students have become near-sighted, allergic to brightness, and at least slightly obese after half a year of quarantine.


Black Hole Discovered on Penn Campus: Student Financial Services

The black hole has obtained so much mass that it’s gravitational pull is stronger than ever. This explains Penn’s rising tuition.


Dad Buys 9-cubic Feet Freezer and Potatoes 'Just in Case'

 “Oh yeah,” he responded. “I also bought this AK-47. Just in case, you know.”  


Oh No, Teacher Trying to Draw With Trackpad on Virtual Whiteboard

The chalk teared into the board, revealing a raw, jagged equation.


OP-ED: My Room is Better Because I Have LEDs

Feeling down? Turn them blue. Want to have a rave in your tiny dorm room, or in search of an epileptic seizure? Click the flash button. Seeking attention because nobody is friends with you? Flash SOS in Morse code. The possibilities are endless.  


Wait, Where Did Everyone Go? Asks Secluded Engineering Student

There were empty boxes — empty boxes everywhere. Someone really went to town on Amazon Prime, I thought.


Penn Early Decision Interview to Be Conducted Over Snapchat Video

"I don’t even need to put on pants!"


OP-ED: Just Because You Have a Laser Pointer Doesn’t Mean You Are a Good Teacher

“Who does he think we are? Cats?” said Engineering freshman Holden Trout. “All he does is point at his wall of text, and read it off to us, while pointing at it with his laser pointer.”


Here Is the Midterm Review Without Solutions Because Fuck You

“I don’t have solutions for the packet. I want to prevent cheaters from copying and cheating on this optional, creditless review packet. Have a nice day, and go fuck yourself.”


Engineering Student Only Gets Notifications from Team Snapchat

“I always enjoy Team Snapchat’s messages,” Pon says. “After watching them once, I replay them to watch it again. I hope they don’t mind. I just want to make the most out of it, you know.” 


No, Throwing a Coin Into the Hill Fountain Will Not Get You Into New College House

“Since freshman year, I’ve been throwing all types of coins in there,” said Phenn. “Pennies, dimes, nickels, half-dollars, dollar coins, bitcoins — but nothing has worked."


Uh-oh! Freshman Leaves Gourmet Grocer With Condoms and Peaches

“Wow, your Valentine must really like peaches,” commented a student standing in line behind Pearlmin. Pearlmin turned around and smiled nervously. 


OP-ED: Thank Writing Seminar, I Are Better Write

(Given): But 5 AP Literature and Lang bad. No count. Also newspaper bad. They no real writing. Grate Gatsby and Belovd not real english. They no have see true writes before. How Dog Thonks real literacher.


"Do You Want to Join Our Rodin Suite?" Asks Roommate Who Can't Count Above 4

 “And we will all fit in the suite too. I know three is bigger than four, so two threes should be bigger than three. Four is bigger than three, so the math works out.” 


Top 10 Facemasks to Protect Against STDs

College life is when we are most susceptible to STDs. Here are some UTB approved ways to protect yourself against any sexual disease.


How Faithful! Roommate Prays “Oh God, Yes” and Claps Softly In Bed

I’ll tell him that he shouldn’t be embarrassed about his nightly holy prayer and that he’s free to perform it whether I’m asleep or not. As long as he doesn't insist for me to join him.  


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