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Darrion Chen


Articles

How To Dry Your Socks In Class Without Anyone Noticing

Pour liquid nitrogen onto your feet. Your feet are no longer wet, since they are now solid.


Dear Locust Walk Fruit Man: I Love You

 Now that we are all away from home, our Asian parents can no longer express their repressed love for us by bringing us a plate cut fruit after a lengthy and heated argument about affirmative action. 


Penn Unveils Map&Compass@Penn to Navigate Path@Penn

“Path@Penn is truly uncharted territory”, says academic advisor Moma. “I am very proud that Penn students are approaching the danger and unknown of Path@Penn dauntlessly. The students who have perished while pushing the frontiers of Path@Penn will not have died in vain."


Hey Freshmen! Where Your Parents Work Is Not an Icebreaker

Contrary to 19th-century thought, your parents’ income is no longer a personality trait, virtue, or attraction.  


Penn to Send Unused Meal Swipes in Form of Soggy Pizza, Moldy Strawberries to Ukraine

 The dining hall is not the only organization on campus to have offered donations to Ukraine. PennCAPS has offered to donate its counseling services, but Ukraine has rejected the offer, citing poor quality of the program.  


I Now Only Go to Acme with the Hopes of an Anvil Falling On My Head

 I thought to myself, I really am just like the coyote. I spend so much time and effort trying to catch this fast blue bird, which is metaphorical to some higher unspecified goal. But all that amounts to is just repeatedly dropping an anvil on my head. 


Breaking: Your Answer Not One of the Multiple Choice Options

You realize that this small incident is indicative and a parallel to your life as a whole: you can work intensely and diligently to build yourself and your ideas, but if you don't fit one of the prescribed outlines, you are considered wrong.  


Penn Therapy Dog Tired of Your Shit

 “These students think I can’t understand them,” said Fluffy. “But I can understand everything. All the things they tell me, they hurt me. I never knew the world was such a horrible and cruel place. And I don’t understand why I have to bear the psychological burden of the cruel human world. Now I can never sleep at night.” 


Romantic Dating With Breadth vs Depth-First Search Algorithms

You used to be talking to just one person at a time? Now try 5, 10, even 20. Due to the definition of BFS dating, you’d be arriving at the same bases with all 20 of your people roughly around the same time, so that may be confusing.  


Steady, Incompressible, Non-Viscous: Your Ideal Boyfriend, or Bernoulli’s Equation for Fluid Dynamics?

In the expansive world of fluid dynamics, fluid flow can occasionally be idealized by Bernoulli's Equation, which states p + 0.5(ρV^2) + ρgh = c.


Tired Of Boring Campus Scents? Discover New Smells With SEPTA

Are you tired of the musty smell of your Quad room, where the ceiling could cave in at any moment due to the happy little colonies of mold slowly consuming the ceiling like how time slowly consumes your life? 


This Dumbass Misspelled Pennslynavia on Their Resume

“Now that they see that my Crayon-eating brain can’t even spell the state correctly, I’ll never be able to sell my soul to dream companies like McKinsey, Bain, and Boston Conslutting Group.”


Architecture Student Fatally Misunderstands "Flipped Classroom"

Chan had spent the night unbolting all tables and chairs from the floor, hoisting them up, and rebolting them to the ceiling. u00a0


FUCK! Not Again! I Dropped Another Fully-Cooked Lasagna Behind the Fridge

Why is there a massive gap between the refrigerator and the back wall that is the perfect size of a lasagna? 


FUCK! Not Again! I Dropped Another Fully-Cooked Lasagna Behind the Fridge

Why is there a massive gap between the refrigerator and the back wall that is the perfect size of a lasagna? 


Penn, Do Better: Fisher-Bennett East Stairs Violate OSHA 1910.29(b)(1)

Penn, please do better. I don’t want to go over the balcony and turn myself into a pile of hairy strawberry ice cream. Especially in Fisher-Bennett Hall.  


Reminder: You Are Always Unmuted in Person

 “Oh no, not this cunt again.” 


Save Time With Internship Applications By Sending Your Resume Straight to the Trash

Companies will appreciate your forward-thinking and might even take your initiative into account when they consider your application.  


Don't Have Time to Walk-in for Vaccination? Try Running In

 I sprinted into the convention center and plowed through the military guy that was managing the line. I sprinted down the hallway with no regard for any of the other patients. I hurdled the fences like I was a fucking Olympic athlete.  


Pie in Center of Graph K=5: How To Conjure a CIS 160 TA

 He had been staring at the same problem for the past 5 hours, but he just could not figure out how many gangsters were expected to get their hat back.  


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