Penn has already moved lectures, recitations, NSO, and other activities online. However, Penn has not been able to find a method to move halal trucks online. 

 “I definitely need a change of scenery,” said Cofield, “Instead of wasting away in my house, I’d much rather waste away in my Domus apartment that I didn’t pay for. Time really does go fast when your brain is dripping out of your ears and nose.” 

 “I care about our children’s education,” said President Trump. “It’s so important, it’s a matter of life or death.” 

“I think the plan is great,” said College senior Malachi Constant. “Professors can stay home and be closer to family, while all students can be on campus and party-I mean, study together.”

“I can’t live there for two weeks or more. No matter what. I promise I’ll be responsible and not catch COVID.”

 Just like Penn Basketball, if Trump wins reelection, you all can get a free ShakeShack burger!

 “Yeah, I know there are a lot of Jewish people that are uncomfortable with the statue. But they just have to deal with it. My inability to read a book far outweighs the fact 6 million of their people were killed.” 

 “I think the uniform changes are great,” said officer Dereck Shovin. “The previous tight pants really inhibited my movement. When I was kneeling on an innocent black guy’s neck, the tight pants pinched my already small balls and it hurt a lot.” 

 “I’ve just been too busy with everything,” said Rosewater. “The other day, I had to finish a Netflix series, another day I had to play 40 games of League of Legends, and just yesterday I had to take a 5 hour nap in the middle of the day.” 

 “The class will also give me a sense of purpose with something to do, so it definitely won’t fuel my depression and self-doubt.” 

 “By going to bed later and later, I was pretty much just continuously travelling around the world in terms of time zones,” said Park. “Lately, I have been spending a lot of time in Fiji by going to bed at 6am.” 

In an official statement, Student Health Services reported that all Penn students have become near-sighted, allergic to brightness, and at least slightly obese after half a year of quarantine.

The black hole has obtained so much mass that it’s gravitational pull is stronger than ever. This explains Penn’s rising tuition.

 “Oh yeah,” he responded. “I also bought this AK-47. Just in case, you know.”  

The chalk teared into the board, revealing a raw, jagged equation.

Feeling down? Turn them blue. Want to have a rave in your tiny dorm room, or in search of an epileptic seizure? Click the flash button. Seeking attention because nobody is friends with you? Flash SOS in Morse code. The possibilities are endless.  

There were empty boxes — empty boxes everywhere. Someone really went to town on Amazon Prime, I thought.

"I don’t even need to put on pants!"

“Who does he think we are? Cats?” said Engineering freshman Holden Trout. “All he does is point at his wall of text, and read it off to us, while pointing at it with his laser pointer.”