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Darrion Chen


Articles

OP-ED: My Room is Better Because I Have LEDs

Feeling down? Turn them blue. Want to have a rave in your tiny dorm room, or in search of an epileptic seizure? Click the flash button. Seeking attention because nobody is friends with you? Flash SOS in Morse code. The possibilities are endless.  


Wait, Where Did Everyone Go? Asks Secluded Engineering Student

There were empty boxes — empty boxes everywhere. Someone really went to town on Amazon Prime, I thought.


Penn Early Decision Interview to Be Conducted Over Snapchat Video

"I don’t even need to put on pants!"


OP-ED: Just Because You Have a Laser Pointer Doesn’t Mean You Are a Good Teacher

“Who does he think we are? Cats?” said Engineering freshman Holden Trout. “All he does is point at his wall of text, and read it off to us, while pointing at it with his laser pointer.”


Here Is the Midterm Review Without Solutions Because Fuck You

“I don’t have solutions for the packet. I want to prevent cheaters from copying and cheating on this optional, creditless review packet. Have a nice day, and go fuck yourself.”


Engineering Student Only Gets Notifications from Team Snapchat

“I always enjoy Team Snapchat’s messages,” Pon says. “After watching them once, I replay them to watch it again. I hope they don’t mind. I just want to make the most out of it, you know.” 


No, Throwing a Coin Into the Hill Fountain Will Not Get You Into New College House

“Since freshman year, I’ve been throwing all types of coins in there,” said Phenn. “Pennies, dimes, nickels, half-dollars, dollar coins, bitcoins — but nothing has worked."


Uh-oh! Freshman Leaves Gourmet Grocer With Condoms and Peaches

“Wow, your Valentine must really like peaches,” commented a student standing in line behind Pearlmin. Pearlmin turned around and smiled nervously. 


OP-ED: Thank Writing Seminar, I Are Better Write

(Given): But 5 AP Literature and Lang bad. No count. Also newspaper bad. They no real writing. Grate Gatsby and Belovd not real english. They no have see true writes before. How Dog Thonks real literacher.


"Do You Want to Join Our Rodin Suite?" Asks Roommate Who Can't Count Above 4

 “And we will all fit in the suite too. I know three is bigger than four, so two threes should be bigger than three. Four is bigger than three, so the math works out.” 


Top 10 Facemasks to Protect Against STDs

College life is when we are most susceptible to STDs. Here are some UTB approved ways to protect yourself against any sexual disease.


How Faithful! Roommate Prays “Oh God, Yes” and Claps Softly In Bed

I’ll tell him that he shouldn’t be embarrassed about his nightly holy prayer and that he’s free to perform it whether I’m asleep or not. As long as he doesn't insist for me to join him.  


Frat Innovates Sticky Floorboards into Human Glue-Trap

 “We have spent years refining our mixture, experimenting by adding ingredients to our floorboards,” said Chad Dang, the leader of the Omega Tau human glue-trap project.  The ingredients of their formula purportedly include many different types of alcohol, sugar, cocaine, human secretions, and other substances. 


What’s at the Bottom of the Hill Dining Hall Peanut Butter?

 But the time has come; the time for mankind to discover what lies at the bottom of the peanut butter tub.  


Penn Student Body Wins 'Best Professor' Award

Penn is known for being a vibrant and rigorous academic atmosphere, with top tier researchers and the best student self-teachers in the world.


Padded Rage Rooms to Replace GSRs

PennCAPS will offer two types of “mental relief rooms”: the padded room and the rage room.


Freshman Booby-Traps Dryer to Protect His Laundry

After losing his favorite pair of Wonder Woman socks when an inpatient devil took his laundry out of the machine for him, Engineering freshman Kevin Allister has taken to extreme measures to protect the rest of his Wonder Woman clothing merchandise.


Oil Deposit Discovered Under Hill, Freshman Housing to Move to DRL

“We have set up curtains and cardboard mattresses in the lecture halls and classrooms in DRL,” said Penn Facilities in a statement released to the student body, “Classes will continue to be held in DRL. Just step over the sleeping students.”


12 Ways to Keep Your Testes Warm

With the weather getting colder and colder, it is essential to keep your extremities warm, especially those that can pass your genes.


Freshman Realizes Last Night's Hookup Was Neighbor

He stumbled out the door into a very familiar hallway; the door across the hall had a little sign on it that had his name on it. 


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