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Darrion Chen


Articles

BREAKING: Mitch McConnell Being a Fucking Jackass Hypocrite Baboon

Inhumane canker blossom of slimey puss and stink cow piss and shit sick to the sight jello-brain poisonous bunch-backed toad faithless hopeless dumb-monger goatish deformity of upside-down broken inverted nonexistent logic with strawberry ice cream innards 


Anti-Maskers: West Coast Wildfires Are Just Pro-Mask Propaganda

“Of course it’s California and Oregon. The damn libertards are setting the state on fire and making smoke just so people wear masks,” said Bigdumm. “Wake up you sheeple, can’t you see it's just the government trying to control you.” 


With Quadruple Monitor Setup, Sophomore Attends 4 Classes At Same Time

“What's great about the set-up is that instead of sitting in lecture for 4 or 5 hours a day, I only need to sit in lecture for 1 hour."


Fuck! I Have To Hang Out With My High School Friends Even More?

No, Dan, I do not want to come to your hot tub party with Kayla and Karen, I don’t care how much Corona beer you have.  


College Junior Sets World Record for Most La Croix in a Day

 After months of practice and training, College junior Damian Trout set the world record for “Most Cans of La Croix consumed in a day” at 241 cans.  


TikTok Ban Does More For National Security Than CIA in Past 70 Years

“It’ll definitely be more effective than anything we’ve done before, like propping up oppressive military dictatorships, funding and supplying  terrorists, and attempting coups on sovereign nations.”  


Students Upset That There Will Be No Virtual Halal Truck

Penn has already moved lectures, recitations, NSO, and other activities online. However, Penn has not been able to find a method to move halal trucks online. 


Tired of Sitting at Home, Students Excited to Sit in Dorm

 “I definitely need a change of scenery,” said Cofield, “Instead of wasting away in my house, I’d much rather waste away in my Domus apartment that I didn’t pay for. Time really does go fast when your brain is dripping out of your ears and nose.” 


Trump Threatens to Cut Education Funding Because He Cares About Education

 “I care about our children’s education,” said President Trump. “It’s so important, it’s a matter of life or death.” 


Yale Kicked Out Sophomores for the Fall, Can Penn Kick Out Professors for the Fall?

“I think the plan is great,” said College senior Malachi Constant. “Professors can stay home and be closer to family, while all students can be on campus and party-I mean, study together.”


Quarantine in Sansom Place West Biggest Deterrent to Catching COVID-19

“I can’t live there for two weeks or more. No matter what. I promise I’ll be responsible and not catch COVID.”


Trump Rally Attendance Matches Penn Basketball Attendance

 Just like Penn Basketball, if Trump wins reelection, you all can get a free ShakeShack burger!


Citing ‘Preservation of History’, Town Refuses To Remove Hitler Statue

 “Yeah, I know there are a lot of Jewish people that are uncomfortable with the statue. But they just have to deal with it. My inability to read a book far outweighs the fact 6 million of their people were killed.” 



New Police Uniforms Include Scythe, Black Hood, and Cloak

 “I think the uniform changes are great,” said officer Dereck Shovin. “The previous tight pants really inhibited my movement. When I was kneeling on an innocent black guy’s neck, the tight pants pinched my already small balls and it hurt a lot.” 


‘I'm Going to Exercise Tomorrow’ Says Student Every Day

 “I’ve just been too busy with everything,” said Rosewater. “The other day, I had to finish a Netflix series, another day I had to play 40 games of League of Legends, and just yesterday I had to take a 5 hour nap in the middle of the day.” 


Student Enrolls in Summer CIS 160 To Preserve Mental Health in Quarantine

 “The class will also give me a sense of purpose with something to do, so it definitely won’t fuel my depression and self-doubt.” 


Junior 'Travels the World' by Varying Sleep Schedule

 “By going to bed later and later, I was pretty much just continuously travelling around the world in terms of time zones,” said Park. “Lately, I have been spending a lot of time in Fiji by going to bed at 6am.” 


After Semester Online, All Penn Students Become Nearsighted

In an official statement, Student Health Services reported that all Penn students have become near-sighted, allergic to brightness, and at least slightly obese after half a year of quarantine.


Black Hole Discovered on Penn Campus: Student Financial Services

The black hole has obtained so much mass that it’s gravitational pull is stronger than ever. This explains Penn’s rising tuition.


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