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Darrion Chen


Articles

“Assume Spherical Cow” and Other Phrases GUARANTEED to Turn Engineers On

 It's common knowledge that nobody understands engineers, not even engineers. They are emotionless, rigid, and only think in terms of numbers and esoteric jargon. But don't fear! UTB has compiled a list of phrases that are GUARANTEED to turn on your engineer love interest. 


To Keep Dorm Names Consistent, Quad Renamed To Prehistoric College House South

"I remember in my first week on campus, I would go home to the Quad, but I kept accidentally going to Hill because it was the first 4-sided building I saw.” 


Penn Is Forcing Meal Plans on Sophomores So that Dining Workers Are Paid More, Right?

 We all know that Penn is a seriously cash-strapped institution. The existence of Gregory College House is proof that the university does not have enough money to keep things in repair. If the school can’t even maintain dorm buildings, how do you expect Penn to pay its dining hall workers? 


Coming Soon: OrPizza, NorPizza, XorPizza, NotPizza

u00a0Thus, the Law of Total Probability is satisfied. u00a0


CAN’T FOCUS IN ZOOM LECTURES? TRY COCAINE!

 Every time you look into the screen, do you just see a void of letters and numbers and symbols that don’t mean anything as they dance around the screen like monkeys bouncing off the walls after having too many bananas dipped in concentrated Monster Energy drink? 


COVID-19 Slay! Couples Share Saliva Vial to Save Time Getting Tested

 Due to these new testing protocols, there has been an increase in elaborate kissing outside of testing centers.  


Penn Introduces Summer Stay, Graduation Stay: You're Staying Here Forever

You must resign and accept the fact that you are here again, and that you are staying here forever. 


Campus Compact Misunderstanding? Frat Compacts Over 400 People from Campus Into House Party

As a result, last weekend the brothers of DUM were able to compact over 400 students from the Penn campus into their fraternity house.


McDonald's Flag is Always at Half Mast Because They Don't Have Anyone Tall Enough To Put It at Full

 None of their employees are tall enough to put the flag at full mast. That pole is like 20ft tall. 


Stoner Freshman Excited For Pot Truck Reopening

"I knew that Penn had a wide variety of food trucks. But of all the colleges that I considered, Penn was the only college that had a marijuana truck,” said Thead. 


Forehead, Nose, Tongue, and Other Creative and Sanitary Ways to Press Elevator Buttons

Some may notice that the penis is notably missing from this list. We suggest that you do not use your penis to press elevator buttons, since that would be incredibly unsanitary and indecent.  


Yup, I Counted: There Are Exactly 1283 Smears in This Tile

But I have to concede that there actually might be fewer smears than counted. I might’ve accidentally counted some of my own hairs. Or my suitemates’. Or some rat that ran across my floor.


QUIZ: What Your COVID Spit Test Says About You

Take our quiz! 


Penn Endorses Microdosing of Spring Break

“I think this microdosing idea is really good,” said Engineering junior Ower Worked. “It’s like how, instead of getting 9 hours of continuous sleep each night, I take 540 one-minute naps throughout the day.”  


US Joins Haiti, Iraq, and Other “Shithole Countries” in Anti-Abortion Coalition

“By signing such a staunchly medieval declaration with authoritarian regimes, the United States itself is becoming a shithole country,” said Pompeo. “And now that we are a shithole country, people from other shithole countries won't want to immigrate here anymore. The plan is flawless.”  


Black Friday? Why Isn’t There White Friday? #WhitePower

 After Thanksgiving where the whites celebrate the spreading of smallpox to the indigenous population of North America and giving thanks to God for letting them slaughter and enslave, the whites deserve to celebrate by buying a huge discounted TV that they can eat their unseasoned microwave dinners in front of.  


Republicans Pass Covid Relief Bill Because They Care About the American People

“It’s important to put political differences aside in times of grave crisis like this,” said Lindsey Graham.


Quiz: How Many Lectures Have You Watched While Shitting?

Have you shitted while in writing seminar?


Next Edison? Joe Biden Wins Electrical College

 “The country has become too charged and too polarized, and we must dissipate all the energy. We must also work to regain positive flux in terms of trade and economics. We also cannot be alternating between red and blue. We must be direct. Directly American”. 


US President Elected Peacefully and Democratically

 Not expecting riots as a result of the election, businesses have chosen to not board up their windows, continuing the unbroken legacy of businesses not needing to board up their windows for an election.  


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