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Darrion Chen


Penn Endorses Microdosing of Spring Break

“I think this microdosing idea is really good,” said Engineering junior Ower Worked. “It’s like how, instead of getting 9 hours of continuous sleep each night, I take 540 one-minute naps throughout the day.”  

US Joins Haiti, Iraq, and Other “Shithole Countries” in Anti-Abortion Coalition

“By signing such a staunchly medieval declaration with authoritarian regimes, the United States itself is becoming a shithole country,” said Pompeo. “And now that we are a shithole country, people from other shithole countries won't want to immigrate here anymore. The plan is flawless.”  

Black Friday? Why Isn’t There White Friday? #WhitePower

 After Thanksgiving where the whites celebrate the spreading of smallpox to the indigenous population of North America and giving thanks to God for letting them slaughter and enslave, the whites deserve to celebrate by buying a huge discounted TV that they can eat their unseasoned microwave dinners in front of.  

Republicans Pass Covid Relief Bill Because They Care About the American People

“It’s important to put political differences aside in times of grave crisis like this,” said Lindsey Graham.

Quiz: How Many Lectures Have You Watched While Shitting?

Have you shitted while in writing seminar?

Next Edison? Joe Biden Wins Electrical College

 “The country has become too charged and too polarized, and we must dissipate all the energy. We must also work to regain positive flux in terms of trade and economics. We also cannot be alternating between red and blue. We must be direct. Directly American”. 

US President Elected Peacefully and Democratically

 Not expecting riots as a result of the election, businesses have chosen to not board up their windows, continuing the unbroken legacy of businesses not needing to board up their windows for an election.  

US Voters Take Gold in 2020 Olympics Mental Gymnastics

Their amazing performance of pro-life but anti-mask advocacy earned the US team a spot in the finals against the North Korean team, notoriously nicknamed “The Iron Kims”. 

How Putin Will Vote By Mail in US Election

“First, I will mail my ballot for my good friend Donald Trump to Pennsylvania,” said Putin. “And then after that, I will also mail my ballot for Florida, Iowa, Ohio, Georgia, North Carolina, Arizona, Michigan, and Wisconsin.”



Something Will Happen If I Keep Banging My Head On The Table

They say in every block of granite there's a sculpture, I can really feel the table bring the sculpture in me out.

Students Make A Difference By Voting for Student Government

Due to students’ votes, significant changes will be made to the Penn community.  

In Fear of Chinese Spying, US Bans Paper, Compass, Explosives

 “Due to the ban of paper, we iterate it is the patriotic duty of all Americans to discontinue the use of toilet paper, and adopt leaves, corn cobs, and rocks,” said Ross.  

OP-ED: Online University is Just OnlyFans for Masochists

It seems like we all enjoy putting ourselves through the pain of school work just so we can get out of it and feel better.  

BREAKING: Mitch McConnell Being a Fucking Jackass Hypocrite Baboon

Inhumane canker blossom of slimey puss and stink cow piss and shit sick to the sight jello-brain poisonous bunch-backed toad faithless hopeless dumb-monger goatish deformity of upside-down broken inverted nonexistent logic with strawberry ice cream innards 

Anti-Maskers: West Coast Wildfires Are Just Pro-Mask Propaganda

“Of course it’s California and Oregon. The damn libertards are setting the state on fire and making smoke just so people wear masks,” said Bigdumm. “Wake up you sheeple, can’t you see it's just the government trying to control you.” 

With Quadruple Monitor Setup, Sophomore Attends 4 Classes At Same Time

“What's great about the set-up is that instead of sitting in lecture for 4 or 5 hours a day, I only need to sit in lecture for 1 hour."

Fuck! I Have To Hang Out With My High School Friends Even More?

No, Dan, I do not want to come to your hot tub party with Kayla and Karen, I don’t care how much Corona beer you have.  

College Junior Sets World Record for Most La Croix in a Day

 After months of practice and training, College junior Damian Trout set the world record for “Most Cans of La Croix consumed in a day” at 241 cans.  

TikTok Ban Does More For National Security Than CIA in Past 70 Years

“It’ll definitely be more effective than anything we’ve done before, like propping up oppressive military dictatorships, funding and supplying  terrorists, and attempting coups on sovereign nations.”