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Darrion Chen


What’s at the Bottom of the Hill Dining Hall Peanut Butter?

 But the time has come; the time for mankind to discover what lies at the bottom of the peanut butter tub.  

Penn Student Body Wins 'Best Professor' Award

Penn is known for being a vibrant and rigorous academic atmosphere, with top tier researchers and the best student self-teachers in the world.

Padded Rage Rooms to Replace GSRs

PennCAPS will offer two types of “mental relief rooms”: the padded room and the rage room.

Freshman Booby-Traps Dryer to Protect His Laundry

After losing his favorite pair of Wonder Woman socks when an inpatient devil took his laundry out of the machine for him, Engineering freshman Kevin Allister has taken to extreme measures to protect the rest of his Wonder Woman clothing merchandise.

Oil Deposit Discovered Under Hill, Freshman Housing to Move to DRL

“We have set up curtains and cardboard mattresses in the lecture halls and classrooms in DRL,” said Penn Facilities in a statement released to the student body, “Classes will continue to be held in DRL. Just step over the sleeping students.”

12 Ways to Keep Your Testes Warm

With the weather getting colder and colder, it is essential to keep your extremities warm, especially those that can pass your genes.

Freshman Realizes Last Night's Hookup Was Neighbor

He stumbled out the door into a very familiar hallway; the door across the hall had a little sign on it that had his name on it. 

Student Slides down Harnwell Trash Chute to Avoid Social Contact in Elevator

“It’s much faster than the elevator too."

PennInTouch? More like PennIsTouch

“It’s an acquired taste,” says Goff, “At first, I didn’t know how to appreciate PennInTouch. Now, it is my favorite beauty to look at.”

Hall Lounge is Really Just “My Roommate is Fucking” Lounge

“I just want to sleep,” another student complains, “but it seems like my roommate has other plans.”

Penn Chemistry Encourages Students to Nap Elsewhere by Cancelling Classes

“We just felt that there wasn’t enough interest in these courses,” said Penn Chemistry Professor Antonine Levoissier, “By ending the undergraduate program, we hope that we can encourage students to nap in their dorms instead of in the Chemistry lecture hall.” 

Hysteria in Bathroom: Freshman Can’t Find Start of Toilet Paper

 “The roll just spun,” Kraper recalls, painfully, “Around and around. There was no end. There was no beginning. It spun and spun, like the repeating days of my life. An endless cycle, indistinguishable, unrecognizable. Time blurs into a haze.” 

Penn Females Boycott Parties, Shutting down Ratios and Party Culture

“I just need a female to come with me to a party so I can get in,” said Engineering freshman Lars Arshul. “I genuinely enjoy a female’s company, and I’m totally not using her as a tool for my own enjoyment or anything.” 

Students Reserve Group Study Room to Study Individually Together

In an effort to squeeze a social life into the Penn academic schedule, students have begun to reserve group study rooms just to study individually together. “I think it’s a really effective way of socializing. I say hi to my friends when I enter the room, sit down, and start studying,” said junior Arseh Ole.

Hill Dining Hall to Open Food Truck

The food truck will have the familiar comforts of a perpetually empty chocolate milk machine, tiny oranges that aren’t worth the effort to peel, and too much fucking pineapple. 

New College House West to Be Built out of Cardboard

The new dorm building, which will be designed by famed 6-year-old architect Calvin and his associate Hobbes, will be built using materials supplied by Amazon@Penn. For instance, walls and structural elements will be constructed with cardboard and fastened with postage tape; recycling bins will be used as toilets. 

With Vocal Fry, Student Thinks He Is More Sophisticated

As a result of his increased feigning of self-perception, Istem has found himself surrounded by women who are now suddenly attracted to him.