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Darrion Chen


Articles

Students Upset That There Will Be No Virtual Halal Truck

Penn has already moved lectures, recitations, NSO, and other activities online. However, Penn has not been able to find a method to move halal trucks online. 


Tired of Sitting at Home, Students Excited to Sit in Dorm

 “I definitely need a change of scenery,” said Cofield, “Instead of wasting away in my house, I’d much rather waste away in my Domus apartment that I didn’t pay for. Time really does go fast when your brain is dripping out of your ears and nose.” 


Trump Threatens to Cut Education Funding Because He Cares About Education

 “I care about our children’s education,” said President Trump. “It’s so important, it’s a matter of life or death.” 


Yale Kicked Out Sophomores for the Fall, Can Penn Kick Out Professors for the Fall?

“I think the plan is great,” said College senior Malachi Constant. “Professors can stay home and be closer to family, while all students can be on campus and party-I mean, study together.”


Quarantine in Sansom Place West Biggest Deterrent to Catching COVID-19

“I can’t live there for two weeks or more. No matter what. I promise I’ll be responsible and not catch COVID.”


Trump Rally Attendance Matches Penn Basketball Attendance

 Just like Penn Basketball, if Trump wins reelection, you all can get a free ShakeShack burger!


Citing ‘Preservation of History’, Town Refuses To Remove Hitler Statue

 “Yeah, I know there are a lot of Jewish people that are uncomfortable with the statue. But they just have to deal with it. My inability to read a book far outweighs the fact 6 million of their people were killed.” 



New Police Uniforms Include Scythe, Black Hood, and Cloak

 “I think the uniform changes are great,” said officer Dereck Shovin. “The previous tight pants really inhibited my movement. When I was kneeling on an innocent black guy’s neck, the tight pants pinched my already small balls and it hurt a lot.” 


‘I'm Going to Exercise Tomorrow’ Says Student Every Day

 “I’ve just been too busy with everything,” said Rosewater. “The other day, I had to finish a Netflix series, another day I had to play 40 games of League of Legends, and just yesterday I had to take a 5 hour nap in the middle of the day.” 


Student Enrolls in Summer CIS 160 To Preserve Mental Health in Quarantine

 “The class will also give me a sense of purpose with something to do, so it definitely won’t fuel my depression and self-doubt.” 


Junior 'Travels the World' by Varying Sleep Schedule

 “By going to bed later and later, I was pretty much just continuously travelling around the world in terms of time zones,” said Park. “Lately, I have been spending a lot of time in Fiji by going to bed at 6am.” 


After Semester Online, All Penn Students Become Nearsighted

In an official statement, Student Health Services reported that all Penn students have become near-sighted, allergic to brightness, and at least slightly obese after half a year of quarantine.


Black Hole Discovered on Penn Campus: Student Financial Services

The black hole has obtained so much mass that it’s gravitational pull is stronger than ever. This explains Penn’s rising tuition.


Dad Buys 9-cubic Feet Freezer and Potatoes 'Just in Case'

 “Oh yeah,” he responded. “I also bought this AK-47. Just in case, you know.”  


Oh No, Teacher Trying to Draw With Trackpad on Virtual Whiteboard

The chalk teared into the board, revealing a raw, jagged equation.


OP-ED: My Room is Better Because I Have LEDs

Feeling down? Turn them blue. Want to have a rave in your tiny dorm room, or in search of an epileptic seizure? Click the flash button. Seeking attention because nobody is friends with you? Flash SOS in Morse code. The possibilities are endless.  


Wait, Where Did Everyone Go? Asks Secluded Engineering Student

There were empty boxes — empty boxes everywhere. Someone really went to town on Amazon Prime, I thought.


Penn Early Decision Interview to Be Conducted Over Snapchat Video

"I don’t even need to put on pants!"


OP-ED: Just Because You Have a Laser Pointer Doesn’t Mean You Are a Good Teacher

“Who does he think we are? Cats?” said Engineering freshman Holden Trout. “All he does is point at his wall of text, and read it off to us, while pointing at it with his laser pointer.”


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