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Sophomore Holds Out 'Til Zoom Call Ends Before Devolving Into Loathsome, Slovenly Creature


Photos (with edits) by pxhere / CC0 and JC713 / CC0

Heroic! College sophomore Dorotha Barnett successfully held out until the end of online class before transforming back into the disgusting, lazy slob she is.

Sources report that, after thanking her professor with a smile and hitting ‘End Call’, Barnett immediately collapsed onto her bed, reentering her realm of perpetual darkness like some sort of pitiful swamp creature.

“Fuck, that was long,” the diligent student sighed as she opened up her Facebook feed and began to gnaw on a Hot Pocket she had warmed up that morning.

An in-depth investigation of Barnett’s bedroom revealed a host of shocking items. Just shy of the borders of her Zoom feed lay crumpled up notebook paper, piles of unfolded laundry, and worst of all, a completely empty jumbo bag of Takis. Reports also describe the bathroom shower as having had "no signs of use" for numerous months on end.

Until now, Barnett’s colleagues had been utterly clueless as to her negligent lifestyle.

“You mean to tell me that her eager, cheerful, and studious demeanor was nothing more than a facade to obscure the odious and slothful beast lying within?” Amy Knox (C ‘23) asked in disbelief. “But she always volunteers first whenever the professor asks a question!”

Barnett’s mom, concerned for her daughter’s well-being, hopes that classes will revert to an in-person format before it’s too late.

“She keeps mumbling the words ‘participation’, ‘breakout room’, and ‘synchronous’ to herself over and over,” revealed Mrs. Barnett, tears welling up in her eyes. “Whatever that means is beyond me.”