Penn Officials Enforce Weekly Covid Testing By Breaking into Off-Campus Housing

After weeks of administering Covid tests in Houston Hall to only a small fraction of the undergraduate population living off-campus, Penn health officials have come to the conclusion that they have not made their resources accessible enough for Penn students. For many, the trek to Houston Hall is a journey too difficult to make after months of being trapped in their homes. The tiny amount of strength gathered by frat brothers throughout the week is completely spent after a few nights of socializing on the weekends. “How can the university expect students to find the time out of their busy schedules to have their nostrils violated time and time again?”, laments Wharton junior, Mike Walters, who only has class three days a week. 

Thankfully, Chief Wellness Officer, Benoit Dubé has masterminded the perfect method for getting testing to all students living in the surrounding area. Rather than make students come to campus, he’s bringing the testing to the students, whether they want it or not. Every night, covid testing officials dress up in all black clothing and stealthily make their way across West Philadelphia. They’ve been trained in the art of lockpicking and each one is equipped with all the tools necessary to discreetly enter any place of residence. While students are soundly sleeping, officials enter the room and slip a swab into each nostril. 

“Nothing is better than when we’ve got a heavy sleeper. One of those students that wouldn’t wake up if you broke through their window. The worst is when we get someone who starts screaming when they wake up and see you swabbing their nose. Like do you not care about your health? We’re trying to do you a favor here”, responded one testing agent when asked about their experience. “Of course, we always get one of those crazy people that are up at 4AM. Just saying, some of you need to re-evaluate your lifestyle choices because Covid is not the only threat to your health right now.”