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Kevin Xu


Articles

COVID-19 Can't Enter This Party Because It Doesn’t Know a Brother

"Wait, is that James from econ? He may be coughing and feel a bit hot but it must be from how sick and wild his night has already been." Frat doormen have an uncanny ability to diagnose COVID right on the spot and turn away those who they deem dangerous. 


On-Campus Housing Students Assigned Prison Wardens for the Fall

On the bright side, students are fed three meals a day from Penn Commons, which thankfully did not have to downgrade their food for the prison environment. 


Penn Frosh Excited to Thrive at Penn in Pain at Home

So what if I’m stuck at home with overbearing parents, shitty wifi, and the inability to go beyond my backyard?


BREAKING: Amy Gutmann Not Returning to Campus for Fall Semester

Citing financial reasons, she claimed that being on campus was too expensive considering her current measly salary without financial aid. Based on calculations run by her administration, she would be able to save much more money staying in a vacation home in Florida.  


Party Girl Jessica Has "Officially Retired" From Drinking for the Fifth Time This Year

It’s not even like a coronavirus problem. It’s just a me problem. Parties just aren’t as fun as they used to be. Once you wake up after blacking out in someone’s room for the fifth time in a week you really start to wonder what you’re doing, you know? 


Penn Sells Student Belongings to Pay Off Budget Deficit

Student dorms were raided for their packed up belongings and anything of value was sacrificed to the University. In the end, over a thousand Canada Goose jackets were collected, raising close to a million dollars for the University. Next, alcohol was collected and resold to the nearby frats that are prepping for the largest social gatherings they’ve ever had come fall.


GENEROUS! Penn Gives Students Half-Filled Fro-Yo Punch Cards as Financial Aid

Penn is happy to announce that this year, we are able to offer each student a punch card for frozen yogurt at one of the various shops near campus. Don’t worry, most of these cards are already almost filled out, so it won’t be long before you can claim your frozen treat!


Student Blows Up Kitchen Performing Virtual Chemistry Lab

 Drain cleaner? Check. Some weird unlabeled bottle? Check. A splash of bleach and detergent? Check. Maybe it should’ve been a red flag when all these items appeared on the WikiHow article titled “How to Make A Home-made Bomb”, but clearly if he just mixed the chemicals the right way, everything would turn out perfectly. 


Wharton Students Assigned Personal GSRs to Encourage Social Distancing This Fall

Now, instead of students booking out an entire GSR to cry and fall asleep in, they will each be assigned their own personal study pod. Each room entrance will have a gold placard engraved with the student’s name and their associated fraternity or sorority. 


Where’s Kendall Jenner's Pepsi When We Need It?

Who would have thought that out of all the methods that have been tried to get the attention of officials and calls to reform the police, all it would take is a single can of cold, sugary goodness?


After Grueling Day of Watching Netflix, Student Is Ready to Finally Unwind

 Kayla has recently decided to take on the difficult task of watching the entire Avatar: The Last Airbender series on Netflix. While it is certainly no easy feat, she has confidence that it can be done in a matter of two days. 


Professor Taking Her Class P/F Only Grades 60% of Student Finals

"I have already calculated it, and I do not have to grade all of your exams in order to retain my job as a professor at Penn for the next semester. Actually, I only need to submit precisely 60% of your grades on PenninTouch."


Rachel Offers Free Spaghetti Eating ASMR During Zoom Class

As Rachel Connolly (E ‘22)  slurped, slopped, and slogged back her plate of spaghetti, it was difficult for anyone to focus on what was being presented on the slides. People attempted to type in chat to draw her attention to heroically save her from a lifetime of embarrassment but to no avail. 


OP-ED: Penn Should Let Students Choose Their Own Grade

That girl from your chem class that had to get her eyes rinsed three times this semester? Definitely knows she deserves a B- at best. And for you, the one person in your class that actually gets your work done on time and perfectly crafts every essay and problem set despite being drunk or hungover the entire weekend? The coveted A+, reserved for only the worthiest of students. 


BREAKING: Hundreds of Penn Students Receive Summer Internship Offers From Mom

The roles students will have to fulfill range from Waste and Disposables Technician to the Director of Internet and Gadgets, working directly under the head boss.


Jared Can't Wait to Write About Hardship in Grad School Applications

I can literally feel my mental health deteriorating,” lamented Jared over a Zoom video interview, as he sat outside by his heated pool. “It’s going to be tough, but if I pull through this semester and pass all my classes, well, I mean, that’s a true testament to the strength of the human will."


Sophie Seems A Little Too Comfortable in Front of Her (1080p) Webcam

Even more apparent was her perfect 1080p 60fps video quality. It was top-of-the-line image perfection with every detail perfectly outlined on camera.


Students Denied From Frat-Sponsored Zoom Party

By midnight, the party was at maximum capacity and the poor west coast students, whose nights were just starting, were locked out from joining in the call.


“SEPTA is Not Bad,” Says Student Who Can't Leave Philly

While he could not claim to have ever even left the Philadelphia area nor will he be allowed to for quite some time, Schurr refused to believe anything could top his weekly commutes.


Bruh Moment: I Cannot Stop Saying Bruh

Now, I can’t properly react to anything anyone ever tells me. The best I can offer is “bruh."


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