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Kevin Xu


Articles

Wharton Students Assigned Personal GSRs to Encourage Social Distancing This Fall

Now, instead of students booking out an entire GSR to cry and fall asleep in, they will each be assigned their own personal study pod. Each room entrance will have a gold placard engraved with the student’s name and their associated fraternity or sorority. 


Where’s Kendall Jenner's Pepsi When We Need It?

Who would have thought that out of all the methods that have been tried to get the attention of officials and calls to reform the police, all it would take is a single can of cold, sugary goodness?


After Grueling Day of Watching Netflix, Student Is Ready to Finally Unwind

 Kayla has recently decided to take on the difficult task of watching the entire Avatar: The Last Airbender series on Netflix. While it is certainly no easy feat, she has confidence that it can be done in a matter of two days. 


Professor Taking Her Class P/F Only Grades 60% of Student Finals

"I have already calculated it, and I do not have to grade all of your exams in order to retain my job as a professor at Penn for the next semester. Actually, I only need to submit precisely 60% of your grades on PenninTouch."


Rachel Offers Free Spaghetti Eating ASMR During Zoom Class

As Rachel Connolly (E ‘22)  slurped, slopped, and slogged back her plate of spaghetti, it was difficult for anyone to focus on what was being presented on the slides. People attempted to type in chat to draw her attention to heroically save her from a lifetime of embarrassment but to no avail. 


OP-ED: Penn Should Let Students Choose Their Own Grade

That girl from your chem class that had to get her eyes rinsed three times this semester? Definitely knows she deserves a B- at best. And for you, the one person in your class that actually gets your work done on time and perfectly crafts every essay and problem set despite being drunk or hungover the entire weekend? The coveted A+, reserved for only the worthiest of students. 


BREAKING: Hundreds of Penn Students Receive Summer Internship Offers From Mom

The roles students will have to fulfill range from Waste and Disposables Technician to the Director of Internet and Gadgets, working directly under the head boss.


Jared Can't Wait to Write About Hardship in Grad School Applications

I can literally feel my mental health deteriorating,” lamented Jared over a Zoom video interview, as he sat outside by his heated pool. “It’s going to be tough, but if I pull through this semester and pass all my classes, well, I mean, that’s a true testament to the strength of the human will."


Sophie Seems A Little Too Comfortable in Front of Her (1080p) Webcam

Even more apparent was her perfect 1080p 60fps video quality. It was top-of-the-line image perfection with every detail perfectly outlined on camera.


Students Denied From Frat-Sponsored Zoom Party

By midnight, the party was at maximum capacity and the poor west coast students, whose nights were just starting, were locked out from joining in the call.


“SEPTA is Not Bad,” Says Student Who Can't Leave Philly

While he could not claim to have ever even left the Philadelphia area nor will he be allowed to for quite some time, Schurr refused to believe anything could top his weekly commutes.


Bruh Moment: I Cannot Stop Saying Bruh

Now, I can’t properly react to anything anyone ever tells me. The best I can offer is “bruh."


Penn Dining Now Takes Drexel Dining Dollars: Just Like Everywhere Else

The University declined to respond, citing the inability to hear concerns over the sound of money pouring in from freshman dining plans. 


Wharton Behavioral Lab Finds Penn Students Will Do “Literally Anything” for $5

"I’d do a lot of stuff for $10. Like I mean, while I do value my dignity, my valuation of it is only $6 — on a good day.”


Guys, Becky’s Lost Her Only Canada Goose Fracket for the Fifth Time, and It’s Sooo Cold

It’s puffy, black, and really warm. It’s got my phone, wallet, and sense of self-worth attached to it so it’s, like, really important that I get it back.


Students Required to Purchase Access Code for Classroom Door: Lecture Seat Optional

An $80 ticket would allow access into the classroom, while a lecture seat could be purchased separately for another $120. The all-inclusive VIP package, including door access, a lecture seat, office hours and the ability to ask questions, could be purchased for $180. For another $20, you might even get a little bit of “extra credit.”


Frat Brothers Throw Epic Epidemic-Themed Downtown

Surgical masks were donned and chilled bottles of Corona were shared as everyone moshed to “Sicko Mode” and discoed to “Stayin’ Alive” 


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