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God Concerned That His Inbox Is Full of Death Wishes


Image by Julia Ellis

Things tended to fall into a regular pattern after millions of years. Someone’s loved one fell sick or got injured and shortly after prayers of goodwill and speedy recoveries began to flood God’s inbox. But what began at around 1am on Thursday made God disturbed by his very own creation. He wondered what the fuck could be happening down on Earth for him to recieve millions upon millions of prayers wishing for the death of a reality TV star. It seems that every time God looked away for just a few years, things turned to shit. 

Looking more closely at the death threats God found some notable ones. “Dear God, I pray not only for the death of Donald Trump, but I pray that his death is long and suffering. I wish that he shits himself from fear as the doctors put tube after tube down his throat. I hope that his suffering is even furthered by not being able to say anything racist while intubated. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

Others still stated, “Dear God, I know that this might make me a worse Christian, but can you please just kill that motherfucker already? I know that I fulfill my civic duty not just by voting, but by wishing death on the President of our great country.”

But God’s favorite prayer was, “If Trump doesn’t die of corona, I pray that someone will be a team player and finish what Covid started. Amen.”