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Julia Ellis


Wharton Students Receive Extra Gifts From Beneath the Christmas Trees of CAS Students

Whether the gifts are just stocking stuffers or the new PS5, Wharton is taking the opportunity to teach a lesson in trickle down economics this holiday season.

Economic’s Stem Classification Paves Way for New Stem Astrology Major

There will be labs in palm readings and blaming your bad parking on being a Pisces. Instead of a textbook, professors will assign daily readings on CoStar and group presentations assigned based on your Moon compatibility.  

Friend Who Does Cocaine Worried About Health Effects of Wearing Mask

Liam has already suffered the effects of the damn mask and blames his tyrant governor for crippling his young body. When he wakes up his body trembles, he suffers almost constant nose bleeds and his heart is always racing.  

Excited for New Years? So Is Satan as He Sets Clock Back One Year to Repeat Hell Loop

When asked to comment, he told UTB that he didn’t really want to spoil any big surprises for 2020 2.0, but wants to bring back one of his favorite characters from the past in a big way: the killer clowns of 2016. 

International MGMT Group Member Still Confuses Peru, Maine and Peru, South America

Group 33 was baffled at the sheer ability to make a mistake that damn brainless, especially considering the first line of the article she cited was “Our company is launching to Peru, Maine (not to be confused with the country Peru for you special dumbasses)!” 

Professor Plans to Give Exam Grade Back at Worst Possible Moment

What most people never realize is that professors actually plan out for weeks the exact moment to release grades in order to cause the most heartbreak possible. It’s not easy to release your failed exam grade minutes after the pass fail deadline closes, it takes hard work and dedication to the craft.  

“Hey! I’m Doing Well, How Are You?” Says Liar

You can say you're doing well but we all know you’re growing increasingly concerned about your family’s alcoholism creeping up on you faster and faster. 

Student Contemplates Homicide Against Friend Who Is “Finished With Midterms”

Of course they always seem to be Wharton students while the people in real classes slave away with test after test. Thankfully Wharton caters to their dumb and lazy student body by understanding their weak frame can only handle so many exams in one semester. 

If Everyone Is Beautiful in Their Own Way, Where Are the Ugly People?

I know that ugly people did not just disappear, even if they can trick us by editing their imperfections away using FaceTune.  

As Nation Implodes, Nevada Takes Time for Self Care

Sure it might seem simple enough to just count the motherfucking ballots already, considering like 45 states did it in a day, but Nevada looks to Pennsylvania and finds the justification it needs. “If Pennsylvania hasn’t gotten their shit together either, it’s okay because I probably won’t be the last one.”  

Wayfair Pleased Everyone Forgot It Was Accused of Child Trafficking

Since the summer, Wayfair executives have been able to kick their feet up and relax after a stressful coverup. They were able to crack open a cold one with the boys surrounded by the storage cabinets that they deny ever contained any human beings.

Professor Assigns So Much Work Wallowing in Sorrow Cut From 2 Hours to 30 Minutes

My professors have recently been cutting into that time more and more, to the point that I may not have any time tonight to contemplate my existence while listening to Frank Ocean. 

Jessica Excited to Finally Use Communication Major as Spam Caller

Most days Jessica calls and tells people that their Social Security Number has been stolen, but some days she is given a lot of freedom and even gets to tell them their car has been robbed or that their brother was in prison. She told UTB that her job is not easy and requires expert communication and interpersonal skills. 

Meanies! Got Weird Looks as I Threw My Gum in the Red White and Blue Trash Can

Seconds after I trashed the gum, everyone jumped down my throat about how “unamerican” I am. I want to think that I am perfectly American: I refuse to change my opinion when faced with facts, and steadfastly ignore the needs of others.  

OP-ED: If You Had a Cool Mom You Wouldn’t Be on Campus

Now I can say with certainty that anyone on campus must have mommy issues. Sucks to suck. 

Roommate's COVID Plan Is Simply to “Vibe It Out”

Ashley reportedly wanted to “take this pandemic seriously” and “survive.” What a fucking bitch am I right? 

Separate Town Halls Brings Nostalgia of Christmas for Child of Divorce

Children of divorce expected Trump to play the rule of their wife-abusing father that’s alcoholism and ever present anger management issues forced the marital trouble in the first place. 

Greedy and Bloodthirsty Administration Urges Students to Put Penn as Their Life Insurance Beneficiary

The administration has urged the students to put the University down as their life insurance beneficiary, and, after doing so, the students will be hunted down for sport.

God Concerned That His Inbox Is Full of Death Wishes

Dear God, I pray not only for the death of Donald Trump, but I pray that his death is long and suffering. I wish that he shits himself from fear as the doctors put tube after tube down his throat.

Hot Professor Has Suspiciously High Webcam Quality

Of course, maybe the first sign should have been when she dropped her onlyfans link in the chat on the first day of class offering extra credit for subscribing.