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Julia Ellis


OP-ED: Hear Me Out, Some Classes Need to Be Virtual

Some say that being in-person is vital for actually learning, but not enough studies have been done on the effect of in-person learning on my mental health. 

If Wharton Students Are Competent, Why Do They Have Seating Charts?

Wharton has actually seen such success with their seating charts that they are publishing some new classroom policies. In Wharton classes, you now have to raise your hand when you want to use the bathroom and at the end of the semester if you get good grades you can go to the scholastic book fair.

Leaked! Diet Coke Found As the Main Ingredient in COVID Vaccine

Does this come with any long term side effects you should be worried about? No, just don’t think that hard about it.  

Amy Gutmann Caught Red Handed Stealing Spit From COVID Tests to Make Designer Ivy League Babies

At her investor meeting, she pitched a business plan proposal involving stealing spit from Covid tests to DNA clone students into designer Ivy League babies.

Amy Gutmann Caught Stealing Spit From COVID-19 Tests to Make Designer Ivy League Babies

Do you want to be a parent, but don’t want to risk your kid being a total failure? Buy one of Amy Gutmann’s babies. 

Relaxing! Professor Wishes Students a Refreshing Engagement Day as He Replaces Lecture With Quiz

He so strongly emphasizes the importance of mental health during the pandemic, even mentioning it in his syllabus right above his zero-tolerance late policy and no partial credit grading policy.  

Resumé Leaked From the Guy Who Landed the Goldman Sachs Internship

Honors/Awards: Second best bong ripper in my frat, 99+ Tinder likes, Definitely not a virgin, Was hazed for two years instead of the usual one year 

Ned’s Declassified Penn Survival Guide

Penn can be a scary and confusing place to navigate. But don’t worry! To help students turn the challenges of Penn into opportunities for growth, we at UTB have discovered the easiest tips and tricks to success! 

Zoom Releases “Anti Pin,” to Hide the Ugly Motherfucker With Their Camera on in Lecture

Thank god Zoom has finally accommodated its users by letting us hide the bitch once and for all. 

Fraternity Brother Tells Contact Tracer COVID Transmissible Through Zoom Lecture

Students have wrongfully pointed their fingers at Greek Life when, all along, it was the breakout rooms that lead to all the cases. 

Student Who Hasn’t Eaten in 30 Minutes Hands Back Jolly Rancher Blue Spit Test

Jacob doesn’t even eat Jolly Ranchers. “I mean, don’t look in the cabinet, but if you do, the big bag of them in the kitchen belongs to my roommate.” 

Quiz: Is the Pottruck Opening a Good Idea?

Is your common sense better than the Penn administration? Are you also ready to infect more students just for  a little more money? 

Let’s Make One Thing Clear: Girls Like Bad Boys, And Bad Boys Break the Campus Compact

The nice guy cares about the community and others, and is a lame-ass little bitch. What girls want is big parties and casual hook up sessions, not Zoom dates with the Green Pass guy.

Exclusive Hot Bitch Location: The High Rise Stairwells

Want to look like the most exclusive, hottest bitches in Philadelphia? UTB did all the hard work for you and found out where they all like to hang out.  

Lonely? Buy Another Plant You Depressed Son of a Bitch

Some have commented that plants are even better than digital interactions, such as Facetime or Zoom, because “My monstera can’t leave me like everyone else.”  

Breaking! Campus Just as Lonely and Boring as Staying Home

Or perhaps all along they’ve been the thing stopping themselves from achieving happiness. No, that’s not possible--it’s not as though they sabotage themselves by having 7+ hours of screen time, eating 1.5 meals a day, and sleeping only 4 hours.

People Cheer as Cocky February Birthdays Are Finally Taken Down by Corona

They thought that they were simply built different and that their stupid little February birthdays were safe. But now who has the last damn word? 

Instagram to Add Warning Before Any Happy Couple Post

The warning text reads “Happy couple alert! They might be kissing, holding hands, or proposing. Are you sure you’re mentally stable enough to feel the weight of your own loneliness?” 

Wendell Pritchett Not Mad, Just Disappointed

Wendell knew that they were just misguided rugrats that needed a little love and support to stop them from killing the innocent people in West Philly.  

Don't Mind the Bubonic Boils, I Have a Green PennOpen Pass

I have caught Covid 7 different times, and have not once tested negative since March 13th. I have blood dripping from my eyeballs in quarts everyday.