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Julia Ellis


Jessica Excited to Finally Use Communication Major as Spam Caller

Most days Jessica calls and tells people that their Social Security Number has been stolen, but some days she is given a lot of freedom and even gets to tell them their car has been robbed or that their brother was in prison. She told UTB that her job is not easy and requires expert communication and interpersonal skills. 

Meanies! Got Weird Looks as I Threw My Gum in the Red White and Blue Trash Can

Seconds after I trashed the gum, everyone jumped down my throat about how “unamerican” I am. I want to think that I am perfectly American: I refuse to change my opinion when faced with facts, and steadfastly ignore the needs of others.  

OP-ED: If You Had a Cool Mom You Wouldn’t Be on Campus

Now I can say with certainty that anyone on campus must have mommy issues. Sucks to suck. 

Roommate's COVID Plan Is Simply to “Vibe It Out”

Ashley reportedly wanted to “take this pandemic seriously” and “survive.” What a fucking bitch am I right? 

Separate Town Halls Brings Nostalgia of Christmas for Child of Divorce

Children of divorce expected Trump to play the rule of their wife-abusing father that’s alcoholism and ever present anger management issues forced the marital trouble in the first place. 

Greedy and Bloodthirsty Administration Urges Students to Put Penn as Their Life Insurance Beneficiary

The administration has urged the students to put the University down as their life insurance beneficiary, and, after doing so, the students will be hunted down for sport.

God Concerned That His Inbox Is Full of Death Wishes

Dear God, I pray not only for the death of Donald Trump, but I pray that his death is long and suffering. I wish that he shits himself from fear as the doctors put tube after tube down his throat.

Hot Professor Has Suspiciously High Webcam Quality

Of course, maybe the first sign should have been when she dropped her onlyfans link in the chat on the first day of class offering extra credit for subscribing.

Jenna Still Haunted by Guilt From Leaving Fish in Dorm for Spring Break

What was worst of all by far, was that the moving crew felt the need to ship Bubbles back to her in the same box as her winter coats. 

Pandemic Doing Wonders for Students’ Growing Dislike of Others

Pandemic hatred is a perfect excuse to cut out all the annoying acquaintances in your life and those few unfortunate anti-mask friends that you let slide before. 

Frat Pong Table Wonders Where Everyone Went

The table missed seeing the frat guys slowly develop hearing loss and miss their shot with girls every weekend. It was like the whole house left without even saying goodbye.