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Greedy and Bloodthirsty Administration Urges Students to Put Penn as Their Life Insurance Beneficiary


Photo by Wikipedia Commons | C00

In the wake of hefty financial losses from COVID-19, The University of Pennsylvania administration has come up with its next big plan to regain funds. While other schools have simply raised tuition, Penn has chosen a different, more morally-ambiguous path. The administration has urged the students to put the University down as their life insurance beneficiary, and, after doing so, the students will be hunted down for sport. Is it ethical? No. Is it necessary? Apparently.

The administration has long hemmed and hawed about the style of this plan's execution. Initially, it liked the idea of a Hunger-Games-style arena, where the competitive little fucks would take each other out in hopes of survival. However, this plan left one unclaimable life-insurance check. Beyond that, the administration decided it wanted to be more involved, so, in their final working plan, every administrator, faculty, and staff member will get to rank their top five most hated Penn students and personally go after them. Did you piss off a professor recently? Good luck, man.

So why would you bother making Penn your beneficiary just to be hunted down like dogs? They’re just going to increase your tuition by the same amount anyway so the choice is death by debt or death by Amy Gutmann wringing your neck. In my opinion, the tuition increase will just make it a slow, miserable death, while Gutmann has guaranteed to make it quick and more or less painless. 

I know which choice I’m making: better call Geico.