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How Putin Will Vote By Mail in US Election


Photo by  The Russian Presidential Press and Information Office / Edits by Darrion Chen / CC BY 3.0

In an exclusive interview with Under the Button, Russian President Valdimir Putin laid out his plans on how he will perform his civic duty of voting in the upcoming US election.

“First, I will mail my ballot for my good friend Donald Trump to Pennsylvania,” said Putin. “And then after that, I will also mail my ballot for Florida, Iowa, Ohio, Georgia, North Carolina, Arizona, Michigan, and Wisconsin.”

Due to the slow speed of Russian mail, Putin will pay for priority shipping on all his ballots. To ensure that his vice is heard in the US, Putin has also paid US government officials to relay his voice in the US.

“The Republicans are such nice fellows,” said Putin. “As long as you pay them enough money, they’ll listen to you and do whatever you want them to do.”

Putin also outlined his plans for Donald Trump’s re-election. 

“Maybe after he gets re-elected, I can give him some tips on how he can remove term limits and consolidate his power, just like how I’ve done,” said Putin. “I might even give him some contacts of people that have helped me make my opponents disappear.”

Putin also extended an invitation to Trump and other top ranking Republicans to join him for a celebratory party in Moscow.

“I haven’t seen them in so long, I miss them,” said Putin. “Especially Moscow Mitch. I miss his turtle face. When they win re-election and continue the destruction of America, vodka will flow in Moscow, and they’re invited!”

If Putin can vote in the election, then so can you. Don’t forget to perform your civic duty on November 3rd.