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QUIZ: Peaches the Pony Needs Your Ketamine for Life-Saving Surgery— Will You Give it to Her?


Photo by Tim Green / CC BY 2.0

1. Hey there neighbor! Can't help but notice that you were smoking some mighty fine ketamine last night. I just ran out, and I need to put my pony Peaches under for life-saving heart surgery. How attached are you to your ketamine stash?

A: I'm very attached— if I don't fall into a K-hole every night, I am overwhelmed by the experience of being perceived.
B: I'm a social ketamine user, and I have a social event tonight. I need all of my ketamine.
C: Ketamine? I don't know what ketamine is. I've never heard of it. Why do you think I have ketamine? I would never use horse tranquilizers recreationally. If I did have ketamine, I definitely would not give it to you.
D: Peaches the Pony is a fucking loser and I think she should die.

2.Neighbor, I really need your ketamine for my pony Peaches. I have some whippets; do you want to trade?

A: If I gave you this ketamine, then I would not be able to enter the K-Hole tonight. I need to be in the K-hole.
B: I have plenty of whipped cream bottles inside, why should I trade for your silly little Whippets?
C: I don't know what whippets are, but they sure as hell aren't as good as this delicious ketamine. (That is, the ketamine I won't give you.)
D: I actually value my health and well-being, thanks.

3. Hey neighbor, it's been two days. Peaches the Pony is feeling really, really sick. She's been suffering heart palpitations, and he doesn't want to leave his stable. Will you give us some of your ketamine now?

A: No, Peaches the Pony deserves to suffer.
B: No, I need to save some ketamine to get me through the semester.
C: No, my well-being is dependent on this ketamine, and my well-being is more important than Peaches'.
D: No, I think Peaches should just suck it up and stop being a little bitch.

4. Hey neighbor. Does the youthful joy of an innocent pony mean nothing to you?

A: I lost all of my youth, joy, and innocence long ago. I have no use for it anymore.
B: I hope Peaches the Pony dies a slow, painful death.
C: What has Peaches the Pony ever done for me? He is not getting my beloved ketamine.
D: The youthful joy of an innocent pony is nothing compared to the sweet, sweet, sensation of ketamine.

5.Hey, neighbor. Peaches the Pony is whinnying in pain. Her soft, brown, wet eyes are begging for the sweet release of death. If we don't get your ketamine right now, Peaches is going to die. Can we have your ketamine?

A: (You are silent. You are in the K-Hole.)
B: (You are silent. You are in the K-Hole.)
C: (You are silent. You are in the K-Hole.)
D: (You are silent. You are in the K-Hole.)