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BREAKING: Mask and Wig Does Not Exist


Photo by Ethan Wu / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Reports have confirmed that the Mask and Wig Club, a group of silly little boys putting on silly little shows, does not exist, will never exist, and, in fact, has never existed at all. Under the Button attempted to reach out to members of the group for comment, except there were none, because the club is an utter non-entity, a black void from which no humor can ever hope to escape. 

In what can only be described as an act of divine mercy, all memories of the club, if they ever existed to begin with, were plucked from the minds of each and every member of the Penn community who was subjected to one of their theoretical shows at their theoretical clubhouse. This was not a particularly difficult task, because, should such a club have ever existed on this campus, the only way that audience members would be able to endure their limp, hackneyed performance would be having access to an in-house bar and drinking themselves into oblivion. 

Students, when asked if another bastion of privilege and whiteness was needed on Penn’s campus, responded with a resounding ‘no’. When Under the Button speculated that such an organization would, in its clubhouse, have displayed blackface caricatures, students were even more convinced that such an organization should never come into being. “If this organization were to exist, I’m certain that the membership would be dominated by white men and lean into misogynistic and transphobic punchlines,” hypothesized Anshul Adams (C ‘23), a respondent in our comprehensive student survey. 

Naomi Jefferson (W ‘22) posited that this hypothetical club would also be “fundamentally incapable of change” because of its “bureaucratic structure and its overbearing, overwhelmingly white, overwhelmingly wealthy, alumni, who refuse to move on from Penn or the 1950’s,” so it is better that “it never existed at all.”

Thankfully for the Penn community at large, no such club has ever existed. Or, at least, not one that anyone cares about.