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BREAKING: Penn Makes Firm, Decisive Spring Plan That Will Definitely Not Change


Photo (with edits) from the Daily Pennsylvanian 

This morning, the Penn administration alerted the student body of the Spring 2021 COVID-19 plan. Expectations were low, as the plans for the Fall semester were vague, nebulous, and included about 108 synonyms for the word "unprecedented." 

To everyone's surprise, though, the email included active, affirmative language like "we will" and "we plan to." 

"It was just really important that we decided to do something," President Gutmann told UTB. "We have provided students with basic information, and that is really, really special of me to have done. They are firm, realistic, executable plans that could change at any moment the second we decide something else is more profitable or convenient for us. But really, we are just spitballing." 

The plan, as it stands, is to bring students back to campus in limited capacity, continue mostly virtual course instruction, and test students twice per week. In other words, Penn has decided to adopt a plan that most other universities have been executing successfully for four months. 

Penn administrators are discouraging students from making definitive plans for the next months or so on the sole basis of their promises, citing their devious disposition and bloodthirsty fixation on profit above all else. "Yeah, we are just going to vibe with this until we don't feel like it anymore," Provost Wendell Pritchett said. “If you’ve learned anything from this experience, it’s to not trust a word we say!” 

Benoit Dubé, chief wellness officer, was a bit more optimistic. "This is DEFINITELY going to happen. Like 100% certain that this could happen. I think."