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OP-ED: If You Need Me, I'll Be In Clark Park On Tranquilizers Playing Chess


Hi there! Just wanted to let you know that I probably won’t be super responsive to texts or emails this week. Why, you might ask? Totally valid question! See, I recently watched the Netflix program “The Queen’s Gambit” and realized approximately 18 minutes in that the quality of my life would improve drastically if I were to take several steps: 

1. Abandon all responsibilities, cut contact with everyone close to me, and drop all hobbies 

2. Head to Clark Park and make friends with all the chess players 

3. Ask them if they could teach me how to play chess (did I mention I’m completely unfamiliar with the game?! Don’t foresee this being an issue though. How hard could it be?) 

4. Take illegal tranquilizers from the 60s and beat them at their own game 

5. Cut my hair and dye it red 

6. Beat Borgov (I expect that I will get exponentially better and be ready to face him after, say, 6 months?) 

See, despite never having played chess--let alone played chess while high on tranquilizers--I have this gut feeling I would instantly decimate any player using the Sicilian Defense chess opening (which I also have not ever learned). 

And honestly, I feel like this is a great plan. I only watched the first 4 episodes, and it seems like Beth was living the good life! Really crushing it. So if you need me, you know where to find me. Anyone have a chess clock?