"I don’t want to brag or anything, but literally none of them are immune to my charm — or my disease!"

It should be noted that Morgan is a chronic procrastinator with an essay due on Monday.  

“Look, you might have to do some searching to figure out where your assignments are. Not everything is handed to you on a plate--well, except for this quiz, I suppose.” 

Despite never having played chess--let alone played chess while high on tranquilizers--I have this gut feeling I would instantly decimate any player using the Sicilian Defense.

“And our pod--the hundred of us, or so--we really only see each other,” says Mindy. “And of course our significant others, people from our sororities or fraternities, and these guys I know from Temple. Honestly, we couldn’t be safer.” 

What's Emily without Paris? Or really, what's Paris without Emily? 

The only plausible assumption is that all irresponsible behavior at Penn has ceased. Win!  

Dr. Perez wanted it to be clear that he says voting as almost as important as his class specifically. “They’re both crucial for your future, if you think about it,” he said to students.

Do you often feel stressed about the existential threat of climate change? Then you should indulge in some of this creamy, delicious pasta! 

The UTB investigative team has come to the conclusion that reposting infographics on Instagram is Emily’s main way of fulfilling her civic duty, instead of doing boring things like voting or phone banking. 

O'Harra received heavy criticism in the Zoom chat for asking Mulaney, a stand-up comedian and actor, about investment banking and consulting. She also reportedly only smiled 6 times throughout the entire call, causing students to call her "sus" in that chat. 

And in order to complete this project, we are reallocating some funding that was previously used for...Wild Cats? Oh sorry, Wilcaf," said Gutmann, squinting at the budget memo she was reading from. 

I’ll say it if no one else will: this could all happen in a GroupMe, or even over iMessage. It’s time we unlearn the lessons Slack has taught us. 

”Every time I tried to get a word out, another white guy was interrupting me. I felt like a woman trying to talk in a humanities class!“

Maybe I'll just enter the call without video but put "I'm a 10, btw" in the chat.

Language is a beautiful way to connect with others, and I can’t wait to use my linguistic skills to tell the world how much of an absolute bitch my housemate is.

"Look, this semester is challenging us all in really unique ways, and it's certainly not going to be normal by any standards. Adjustments will have to be made," he says, handing out his unchanged syllabus. 

“I’m so glad Penn gave us some time to just relax and get some stuff for the year that will prepare us,” as she took a bite from her green apple flavored gelatin snack.

The decision reportedly comes after Amy Gutmann watched the news and learned that the coronavirus hadn't just "sorta gone away."  

Our projection shows that even when you factor in every game being canceled due to the global pandemic, there will be exactly the same amount of students not showing up as there were in previous years.