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Megan Striff-Cave


Articles

Mindy's Pod Is The Exact Amount Of People Who Were At The Late Night She Went To!

“And our pod--the hundred of us, or so--we really only see each other,” says Mindy. “And of course our significant others, people from our sororities or fraternities, and these guys I know from Temple. Honestly, we couldn’t be safer.” 


UTB Investigates Emily, Not Even In Paris

What's Emily without Paris? Or really, what's Paris without Emily? 


Irresponsible at Penn Stopped Because Everyone Is Responsible Now

The only plausible assumption is that all irresponsible behavior at Penn has ceased. Win!  


"Make Sure You Vote Today," Says Professor Holding Class on Election Day

Dr. Perez wanted it to be clear that he says voting as almost as important as his class specifically. “They’re both crucial for your future, if you think about it,” he said to students.


5 Trader Joes Products That Will Briefly Curb Feelings Of Impending Doom

Do you often feel stressed about the existential threat of climate change? Then you should indulge in some of this creamy, delicious pasta! 


Oops! Instagram Activist Never Registered To Vote

The UTB investigative team has come to the conclusion that reposting infographics on Instagram is Emily’s main way of fulfilling her civic duty, instead of doing boring things like voting or phone banking. 


Brooke O'Harra To Join Chris Wallace In Moderator Support Group

O'Harra received heavy criticism in the Zoom chat for asking Mulaney, a stand-up comedian and actor, about investment banking and consulting. She also reportedly only smiled 6 times throughout the entire call, causing students to call her "sus" in that chat. 


Fuck It: Third Pret In Huntsman

And in order to complete this project, we are reallocating some funding that was previously used for...Wild Cats? Oh sorry, Wilcaf," said Gutmann, squinting at the budget memo she was reading from. 


OP-ED: We Need To Talk About The Slack Industrial Complex

I’ll say it if no one else will: this could all happen in a GroupMe, or even over iMessage. It’s time we unlearn the lessons Slack has taught us. 


Chris Wallace Finally Understands How All Women Feel Trying To Speak in Group Discussions

”Every time I tried to get a word out, another white guy was interrupting me. I felt like a woman trying to talk in a humanities class!“


Hot Girl Erasure: I Turn My Camera Off During Zoom Classes

Maybe I'll just enter the call without video but put "I'm a 10, btw" in the chat.


Impressive! This Student Is Fulfilling Their Language Requirement By Talking Shit About Their Housemate

Language is a beautiful way to connect with others, and I can’t wait to use my linguistic skills to tell the world how much of an absolute bitch my housemate is.


Professor Who Says This Is Gonna Be A "Very Different Semester" To Assign The Exact Same Amount of Work

"Look, this semester is challenging us all in really unique ways, and it's certainly not going to be normal by any standards. Adjustments will have to be made," he says, handing out his unchanged syllabus. 


Freshman Misunderstands Penn’s “Online Shopping Period”, Buys World’s Largest Gummy Bear from Vat19.com

“I’m so glad Penn gave us some time to just relax and get some stuff for the year that will prepare us,” as she took a bite from her green apple flavored gelatin snack.


Penn Administration Cancels Semester After Learning Coronavirus Still Actually Exists

The decision reportedly comes after Amy Gutmann watched the news and learned that the coronavirus hadn't just "sorta gone away."  


Awkward! Penn Football Games to Show No Change in Attendance Despite Canceled Season

Our projection shows that even when you factor in every game being canceled due to the global pandemic, there will be exactly the same amount of students not showing up as there were in previous years.


Student Quarantining in Multi-Million Dollar Home “Just Can’t Do It Anymore”

“I’m 100% done with this,” says Genevieve, whose family is in the 1%. 


OP-ED: It's Insensitive To Call It A "Good" Friday

Maybe Jesus should read the room before making the brash assumption that this day could be Good. It's just rude.


Graduation Can Be In Person, But Everyone Must Be In Giant Hamster Balls

Most human-sized hamster balls have a 2-meter diameter, so you'll always be following CDC guidelines!


Heartwarming! This Guy "Isn't Even That Mad" Commencement Speaker Is a Feminist

“Yeah, when I heard she was a feminist, I definitely rolled my eyes,” Chad said, shrugging his shoulders, “but I didn’t threaten to boycott the ceremony." He’s so progressive! 


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