How to Gently Tell Your Friend That All Sororities Are the Same Tier in the Eyes of God
He does, however, consider your membership in ILMUNC, the Philomathean Society, and Penn Democrats.
Megan Striff-Cave
BREAKING: Penn to Undergo Transfer of Power (From Blonde to Brunette)
That’s right — everyone’s favorite (natural) blonde, Amy Gutmann, is passing the baton to a woman with hair the color of roasted chestnuts, of smooth milk chocolate, of amorphous, stinky mud.
How to Gently Tell Your Friend That All Sororities Are the Same Tier in the Eyes of God
He does, however, consider your membership in ILMUNC, the Philomathean Society, and Penn Democrats.
Seven Noise-Canceling Headphones To Wear Around Your Friend Who Just Returned From Abroad
“I’m baaaaaaack!” says your friend who just returned from Europe after a semester of doing the bare minimum and exceeding all expectations for the amount one person can post on Instagram.
BREAKING: Penn to Undergo Transfer of Power (From Blonde to Brunette)
That’s right — everyone’s favorite (natural) blonde, Amy Gutmann, is passing the baton to a woman with hair the color of roasted chestnuts, of smooth milk chocolate, of amorphous, stinky mud.
How To Recover After The NYT Mini Jingle Plays During Class And Your Professor Says “What Was That”
The congratulatory ditty has already escaped from your laptop speaker.
Not Again! Uncle’s Newest Girlfriend Qualifies for Kids’ Table at Thanksgiving
What? But I’m over 21, shouldn’t I be with Dave and the adults” she says to you, confused. “Yeah, but a tomato is technically a fruit, and we don’t put it in a fruit salad,” you reply, sagely.
Well-Written! This Study Shows, But Doesn't Tell
Megan Striff-Cave
Tuesday, Nov. 23, 2021Tue, Nov 23, 2021
“It’s like, that’s for you to decide. We’re not gonna sit here and say ‘binge drinking unequivocally has a negative impact on your health.’ Nope, that’s just not our style. We’ll show you the scans of the liver, and then it's up to you, the reader, to find meaning."
We Counted: Seven (7) Penn Students Have Green Passes
This morning, close to 10,000 undergraduates out of a population of 10,000 undergraduates received red passes.
OP-ED: Frats Suck — Not Your Frat Though, Haha Noooo, You Guys Are Fine
Megan Striff-Cave
Monday, Sept. 27, 2021Mon, Sep 27, 2021
Yeah lol, all that stuff I was saying about frat bros employing violence as a mechanism to assert masculinity obviously doesn’t apply to your frat since your members happen to be my friends. Haha dw, you guys are chill.
Whimsical Girls Will Now Be Administered Mood Stabilizers To Enter Kelly Writers House
This CDC-approved and, in the words of Fauci himself, “awesome” drug is used to soothe the idiosyncratic and manic tendencies of girls whose behavior worsens in creative spaces like the Kelly Writers House.
Pool Party Hosts Confused Why Everyone Can’t Do Lines Like Them
"I guess we just thought that, since we do lines all the time, it would be pretty simple for all of the attendees to do them too." | Megan Striff-Cave
Junior Revisits Thriving At Penn Modules to Figure out Where It All Went Wrong
After two “pretty sub-par” years, Cooper has decided to go back to the root of her high expectations: the Thriving at Penn Canvas modules.
Astronautical Engineering and Ten Other Things That Are Easier Than Meal Prepping for One
Childbirth. Now that we’re thinking about it, having twins is probably on par with meal prepping’s level of difficulty. But just one kid? Definitely easier.
OP-ED: Stop Acting Like the Pandemic Is Over and Start Acting Like It Never Happened
We may never recall all we found to be normal prior to the beginning of the pandemic, but we should not get caught up in the importance of trying to regain that sense of normalcy; we need to do more.
University Announces Student Vaccine Distribution Plan for Penn Community
The Daily Pennsylvanian reporters met with school administrators earlier this morning to collect information about the logistical outline of the coming weeks.
DP Exposé Exposes No Names, No Organizations, No Events
Despite evidence of Greek life negligence abounding on campus and off, there simply "wasn’t enough evidence" to publish an article to hold the perpetrators accountable.
Philly Heroes! Frats Holding Events Downtown To Support Local Restaurants
So frats made a commitment: they were going to host their date nights, rush events, and BYOs at bars and restaurants in the community -- all to stimulate the economy, of course. | Megan Striff-Cave & Grace Ginsburg
“FAFSA? Omg, I Love Soccer Tournaments” Says Friend With Multiple Homes
"Yikes! It appears that Nina Gomez (W ‘23), a native of the Upper East Side who uses “summer” as a verb, has unfortunately confused the FAFSA with FIFA." | Megan Striff-Cave
COVID-19 Is “Soooo Excited To Meet So Many New Freshmen in the Quad!”
Megan Striff-Cave
Tuesday, Jan. 19, 2021Tue, Jan 19, 2021
"I don’t want to brag or anything, but literally none of them are immune to my charm — or my disease!"
In Solidarity With Jewish Friends, Atheist Also Does No Homework On Saturdays
Megan Striff-Cave
Tuesday, Dec. 8, 2020Tue, Dec 8, 2020
It should be noted that Morgan is a chronic procrastinator with an essay due on Monday.
Professor Hides Assignment Under Modules, Discussions, and Inside Thanksgiving Turkey
“Look, you might have to do some searching to figure out where your assignments are. Not everything is handed to you on a plate--well, except for this quiz, I suppose.”
