“I’m baaaaaaack!” says your friend who just returned from Europe after a semester of doing the bare minimum and exceeding all expectations for the amount one person can post on Instagram.

That’s right — everyone’s favorite (natural) blonde, Amy Gutmann, is passing the baton to a woman with hair the color of roasted chestnuts, of smooth milk chocolate, of amorphous, stinky mud.

The congratulatory ditty has already escaped from your laptop speaker. 

What? But I’m over 21, shouldn’t I be with Dave and the adults” she says to you, confused. “Yeah, but a tomato is technically a fruit, and we don’t put it in a fruit salad,” you reply, sagely. 

“It’s like, that’s for you to decide. We’re not gonna sit here and say ‘binge drinking unequivocally has a negative impact on your health.’ Nope, that’s just not our style. We’ll show you the scans of the liver, and then it's up to you, the reader, to find meaning."

This morning, close to 10,000 undergraduates out of a population of 10,000 undergraduates received red passes. 

Yeah lol, all that stuff I was saying about frat bros employing violence as a mechanism to assert masculinity obviously doesn’t apply to your frat since your members happen to be my friends. Haha dw, you guys are chill. 

This CDC-approved and, in the words of Fauci himself, “awesome” drug is used to soothe the idiosyncratic and manic tendencies of girls whose behavior worsens in creative spaces like the Kelly Writers House. 

"I guess we just thought that, since we do lines all the time, it would be pretty simple for all of the attendees to do them too." | Megan Striff-Cave

After two “pretty sub-par” years, Cooper has decided to go back to the root of her high expectations: the Thriving at Penn Canvas modules. 

Childbirth. Now that we’re thinking about it, having twins is probably on par with meal prepping’s level of difficulty. But just one kid? Definitely easier. 

We may never recall all we found to be normal prior to the beginning of the pandemic, but we should not get caught up in the importance of trying to regain that sense of normalcy; we need to do more. 

The Daily Pennsylvanian reporters met with school administrators earlier this morning to collect information about the logistical outline of the coming weeks.  

Despite evidence of Greek life negligence abounding on campus and off, there simply "wasn’t enough evidence" to publish an article to hold the perpetrators accountable.  

So frats made a commitment: they were going to host their date nights, rush events, and BYOs at bars and restaurants in the community -- all to stimulate the economy, of course. | Megan Striff-Cave & Grace Ginsburg 

"Yikes! It appears that Nina Gomez (W ‘23), a native of the Upper East Side who uses “summer” as a verb, has unfortunately confused the FAFSA with FIFA." | Megan Striff-Cave

"I don’t want to brag or anything, but literally none of them are immune to my charm — or my disease!"

It should be noted that Morgan is a chronic procrastinator with an essay due on Monday.  

“Look, you might have to do some searching to figure out where your assignments are. Not everything is handed to you on a plate--well, except for this quiz, I suppose.” 

Despite never having played chess--let alone played chess while high on tranquilizers--I have this gut feeling I would instantly decimate any player using the Sicilian Defense.