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Megan Striff-Cave


Articles

Impressive! This Student Is Fulfilling Their Language Requirement By Talking Shit About Their Housemate

Language is a beautiful way to connect with others, and I can’t wait to use my linguistic skills to tell the world how much of an absolute bitch my housemate is.


Professor Who Says This Is Gonna Be A "Very Different Semester" To Assign The Exact Same Amount of Work

"Look, this semester is challenging us all in really unique ways, and it's certainly not going to be normal by any standards. Adjustments will have to be made," he says, handing out his unchanged syllabus. 


Freshman Misunderstands Penn’s “Online Shopping Period”, Buys World’s Largest Gummy Bear from Vat19.com

“I’m so glad Penn gave us some time to just relax and get some stuff for the year that will prepare us,” as she took a bite from her green apple flavored gelatin snack.


Penn Administration Cancels Semester After Learning Coronavirus Still Actually Exists

The decision reportedly comes after Amy Gutmann watched the news and learned that the coronavirus hadn't just "sorta gone away."  


Awkward! Penn Football Games to Show No Change in Attendance Despite Canceled Season

Our projection shows that even when you factor in every game being canceled due to the global pandemic, there will be exactly the same amount of students not showing up as there were in previous years.


Student Quarantining in Multi-Million Dollar Home “Just Can’t Do It Anymore”

“I’m 100% done with this,” says Genevieve, whose family is in the 1%. 


OP-ED: It's Insensitive To Call It A "Good" Friday

Maybe Jesus should read the room before making the brash assumption that this day could be Good. It's just rude.


Graduation Can Be In Person, But Everyone Must Be In Giant Hamster Balls

Most human-sized hamster balls have a 2-meter diameter, so you'll always be following CDC guidelines!


Heartwarming! This Guy "Isn't Even That Mad" Commencement Speaker Is a Feminist

“Yeah, when I heard she was a feminist, I definitely rolled my eyes,” Chad said, shrugging his shoulders, “but I didn’t threaten to boycott the ceremony." He’s so progressive! 


OP-ED: You'll Be Sorry

Oh, are you sad? Are you gonna cry? Are you gonna fucking cry like a wittle baby? Oh, that’s just classic. "But I love you, FroGro," you'll say through tears. Really? Then where were you when I needed you? 


OP-ED: Penn Should Pay PILOTS Because Aviators Matter Too

Penn should pay PILOTS because aviators matter too, and I'm sick and tired of airplane PILOTS not being given the compensation they so clearly deserve.


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