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Emaciated Husk of a Human to "Finish Semester Strong"


Photo by Karolina Grabowska / CC0

News flash: this emaciated husk of a human being has just promised himself that he would "finish the semester off strong." How inspiring!

Willie Abbott (C ‘22), who has juggled a 5.5 credit course load, familial obligations, and latent mental illness for the past couple of months, is reportedly ready to end this year on a good note.

“You can do this, Willie,” Abbott muttered aloud in an attempt to psyche himself up. “All that’s left are 3 papers, 2 projects, and a couple cumulative exams!”

Wow, if the immense stress of living through a year-long pandemic can’t crush Willie’s spirit, then what can? Screen fatigue? Indifferent professors? The fact that he will enter the job market during an era fraught with economic strife and uncertainty? Nope, nope, and nope! Willie here is a star student, and should honestly be heralded as the face of the Penn student body.

How does he remain so sanguine? Apparently, the secret is ignoring all of the bad things and just going through the motions.

“You’re alright, Willie, you’re doing alright,” Abbot whispered to himself as he crawled out of bed to attend a 9 a.m. synchronous lecture. “Pain is temporary. Grades are forever.”

Admittedly, not everyone is happy with Willie’s can-do attitude. Several of Willie’s professors are reportedly “a little miffed” that they haven’t managed to suck the living soul out of him by giving him the workload of a regular semester with only half of the support. Oh well, there’s always next year!