Robinhood Complex? UTB Wants You to Redistribute Your Wealth to Us Before We Do It For You
Illustration by Juliana Yu / The Daily Pennsylvanian
November 30, 2020 at 11:20 pm
Under the Button is a silly little magazine staffed by silly little writers and videographers. We make silly little jokes for our silly little readers. But we can’t do it without your help. We need silly little dollars from your silly little wallet to keep writing silly little articles.
Why should you? Economic justice, that’s why. We have no money. You have some. Give it to us, before we do it for you. You could say UTB has a bit of a Robin Hood complex. We are prepared to seize the means of your production. Violently, if we have to. You’re the bourgeoisie and we’re the grubby little proles. We, the workers, the laborers, the true producers, will drive a stake through the heart of you vampires of capital. That is, unless you give us a little bit of that capital, as a treat.
We don’t want to hurt you. We really don’t. And honestly, at the end of the day, we probably won’t. But do you really want to take that chance? Better to give away a few of your dollars to a humble little satire organization such as our own rather than risk having us seize all of your dollars. We’re sorry that we’re threatening you. That’s not very nice of us. If it makes you feel better, these aren’t threats, not really. They’re promises. And if you don’t cough up a couple cents you better believe that we’ll come to collect.
So, please: some of your silly little dollars, sirs and ma’ams?