The Effects of Global Warming: Students No Longer Returning to Nest on College Green

Bad news for fellow people-watchers: global warming has finally made it so that the fertile, lush fields of College Green are no longer habitable for the average undergrad.

Why did this happen? Here’s the science: extreme atmospheric temperatures (such as those brought on by global warming) effectively prevent the common student from lounging around outside and playing hacky sack, both of which are essential steps in their reproductive cycles. With CO2 levels rising across the planet, Penn students have been left with no choice but to take their filthy business elsewhere.

Crikey, this is sad. To see such a luscious pasture transform into a barren moonscape, devoid of life. Maybe they’ll come back if we scatter some poppers on the ground. Haha, I don’t know!

For real though, this is truly eye-opening. You would think that something like this wouldn’t happen until, like, 50 years from now. No dice. This is our sad reality. This is the planet we have inherited.

But hey, it’s not all doom and gloom. Last Tuesday, a lone sophomore was seen wandering around College Hall, repeating “hey, does anyone wanna play Ultimate?” and waving around a blue frisbee. Could he be the last of his kind? Who can say.

If we start taking care of our planet, then maybe, just maybe, these bewitching creatures will come back home.