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Stinky Little Sophomores Get Another Year With the Trough


Slurp, slurp, you disgusting soon-to-be sophomores. Don’t throw out your straws and shovels just yet — Amy Gutmann announced that it’s another year of the trough for you pathetic, pasty piggies. 

I know what you lil bitch babies are going to say: 

“But Miki, Penn dining doesn’t sufficiently accommodate my dietary restrictions and being off the meal plan would be healthier and easier for me.” 

Listen, it’s not my fault the weak are allergic to dairy.

“But Miki, I didn’t have a normal freshman year, and now I’ll have such a different sophomore year and likely entire college experience from my older peers.” 

Oh boo hoo. I didn’t have a normal freshman year living in Domus, but we all cope.

“But Miki, my doctors told me I have two days left to live but because someone on my hall got COVID, we all have to be isolated, which means I’ll never breathe fresh air again.” 

Well...I just personally did a Chloe Ting workout and am in absolute perfect health, so can’t relate.

“But Miki, I really think that all of us eating out a communal trough that flows slop down Locust is not the most conducive for following COVID-19 restrictions.” 

Um, it’s actually scientifically proven that eating out of a trough actually fights AGAINST coronavirus, you uninformed, fucking pig pie.

“But Miki, I just want to be loved.” 

Don’t we all honey, but you don’t hear me whining about it.

I would almost feel sorry for you freshmen… if you didn’t absolutely deserve it. 

Oink. Oink. It’s slop time, you repulsive swines.