You Know Hemo’s Food Truck? You Were Right, Hemo Is Short for Hemorrhoids
March 3, 2021 at 8:48 am
Hemo’s infamous Hemo Sauce is accredited by many to be the rock that holds our student body together. We’ve all been there - 2AM on a Thursday night, one failed booty call away from dropping out and becoming a full time incel when we open our fridge and find our tub of Hemo sauce, glowing in the thick of so much darkness.
We all assume that, naturally, Hemo sauce is named after Hemo, but this is merely folklore; in actuality, it's the other way around. Hemo Sauce has been passed down from generation to generation, each father naming their son after the beloved sauce. So if the sauce isn’t named after Hemo, where did it get its name? We are all wondering.
Well, believe it or not - I actually know. And I’m gonna tell you now.
Hemo’s Secret Sauce did not originate as a sandwich sauce, but as more of a remedy of sorts. Hemo’s great grandpa, self-named Hemo, rose to fame as a rectal doctor in the late 19th century. As a sufferer of hemorrhoids himself, Hemo Senior made his life's goal to make sitting atop is caboose tolerable. It took him years but he finally figured out the formula to the revolutionary Hemorrhoid sauce. With the perfect ratio of lubyness to jizziness, Hemo’s great grandfather could finally sit with a coding of sauce protecting his rectum.
It wasn’t until 1929 that Hemo’s family fully realized the potential of the sauce. Hit by difficult times with the Great Depression and all, Hemo’s family was forced to get creative to fill their bellies every night. Little did they know, the solution to their painstaking starvation was sitting in a 12x12 pool in their basement: their late father’s hemorrhoid sauce. Apprehensive at first, Hemo’s grandfather dipped his toe into the pool and had his sister lick it off. “Delicious!”, she shouted.
The entire Hemo family went to town on that sauce for the rest of the depression, and the infamous Hemo Secret Sauce was birthed.