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Hillel Weitzman


Articles

Leaked! UTB Rejection Letter

I think you may have misread the application. We asked you to submit two satire articles, not fourteen acrostic poems about how much you love your mom


Prankster "Poopy Doopy" is Supersaturating New College House with Poop

Poopy Doopy, reveal yourself before you run out of poop. We will embrace you with open arms and open bowels. 


How to Avoid Getting Covid

I found this website called Corona Cures XXX that gave a lot of cures that haven’t been circulated by mainstream medicine, among other things. 


Never Have I Ever with Penn Class of 2025

This past weekend I got the chance to play Never Have I Ever with Penn Class of 2025...the entire Penn Class of 2025. 


Call for Action: Make Babies Second Class Citizens

I’m prepared to weather whatever resistance I am met with by mothers, fathers, and every other fucker under a baby’s conspiratorial spell.


52 Weeks, Faces, and Stories of People at My Party Tonight

You believe this narrative that a virus from a chinese bat came all the way to America and shut down our economy for a year!? Everyone knows bats can’t fly that far.


OP-ED: Penn Board of Trustees Votes to Begin Annual Child Sacrifices to Welcome the Harvest, and I FW It.

I know what you’re all thinking: Aren’t there so many better reasons to sacrifice children than to welcome the harvest? The answer is no, there isn’t. 


Penn’s New Program Will Pay for You and One Professor to Do Ecstasy Together...and I’m on It Right Now.

 Why did I choose Sister Catherine? Why the fuck wouldn’t I lol. 


You Know Hemo’s Food Truck? You Were Right, Hemo Is Short for Hemorrhoids

We’ve all been there - 2AM on a Thursday night, one failed booty call away from dropping out and becoming a full time incel when we open our fridge and find our tub of Hemo sauce, glowing in the midst of so much darkness.


OP-ED: COVID-19 Sucks, But Old People Suck More

I just think that before we have a conversation about the negative effects of COVID, we should just quickly talk about the negative effects of the elderly.


Amy Gutmann Spotted Maskless in Van Pelt Recharging Her Batteries

This past Sunday Penn Police were anonymously tipped by a few students who said they saw “blinding flashes” and heard “what sounded like Optimus Prime ripping a bandaid off his genitalia” coming from VP 4th floor.


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