Meet the Student Responsible for 127 of Penn's 250 Campus Violations
Photo by Toronto History / CC BY 2.0
March 4, 2021 at 12:33 pm
Thus far in the semester, there have been 250 reports of people breaking the campus compact, but what they didn't tell you is that no less than 127 of these reports are for one kid, Kevin "Rex" Jones C '22. Born with a full set of teeth, Jones began his long history of delinquency by biting his sister within moments of his birth. Since then, Jones has been convicted of 2 accounts of arson, an assault, 3 bouts of breaking and entering, 4 public urination offenses, many speeding charges, 1 parking ticket, and 53 accounts of vandalism.
Hoping to encourage Rex with his studies, his parents sent him to Penn, "the lesser Ivy," and the only Ivy League school that would accept him. Unfortunately, Jones found his classwork "boring" and "dissatisfying." Seeing as boredom is often man's worst enemy, Jones once again turned to his life of crime, violating all parts of the campus compact multiple times.
Seen gracing the party scene of numerous not-to-be-named sorority parties, flaunting a red pass, and allegedly coughing on the elderly at ACME, Jones is one bad apple! "We just don't know what to do about Kevin, we told him we wanted to see our son, not this Rex figure he's been putting on," expressed his concerned parents, "in response to our talk about our concern, Kevin turned to arson, starting another dumpster fire."
While some have expressed outrage at Jones' actions, others have lauded Jones arguing that if Penn doesn't host events and have engaging classes, it's no surprise that students are turning to lawlessness. "If Penn provided rigorous academic curricula, Jones could end up finding a cure for cancer and wouldn't use his genius for evil," suggested the therapist who performed Jones' mental evaluation at Eastern State Penitentiary.
"For once, I actually agree with the shrink," stated Jones, clad in a leather jacket with an iron-on Avengers(?) patch. "Penn, I'm talking to you directly. Get some professors who can actually think and maybe I'll stop breaking the rules all the time."