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Amy Gutmann Caught Red Handed Stealing Spit From COVID Tests to Make Designer Ivy League Babies


Photo (with edits) by Julia Ellis / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Not rich enough! Amy Gutmann is determined to make the pandemic an opportunity to start her side hustle. After noticing parents want smart babies so much that Ivy League students get paid more to donate sperm, she began her start up market research. Ever wonder why Penn changed from nasal to spit tests? At her investor meeting, she pitched a business plan proposal involving stealing spit from Covid tests to DNA clone students into designer Ivy League babies. Mixing and matching desired features, parents can choose from a list of premade babies or design their own! With her policy that anyone can buy a baby with little to no background checks, her business has been soaring. She has cloned over 3,000 babies from the DNA in Covid tests, but tries to avoid cloning anyone with a GPA below 3.6. She guarantees winners only!

Do you want to be a parent, but don’t want to risk your kid being a total failure? Buy one of Amy Guttman’s babies.  Feel free to choose the size and attractiveness of your child! Get your baby today at 1-800-CLONE-BABY.