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Political Triumph: Biden Cancels Students for Good!


Photo (with edits) by U.S. Embassy Jerusalem // CC 2.0

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The White House is in a congratulatory fervor after President Joe Biden made his most commendable act yet since taking office. Last week, in one of the shortest deliberations in congressional history, Bill 3055 was unanimously ratified in both the House and Senate. 

The legislature will once and for all cancel students for good. After the constant pestering from millions of students pleading for debt forgiveness, Biden decided that the best course of action would be to end any individuals enrolled in higher education. 

Beginning May 1, the Biden administration will revoke any social support — federal, national, and parental — given to any students, ranging from college freshmen to those in postdoctoral programs. However, the entire nation is already participating in anti-student sentiment as it waits for the bill to go into effect. 

Trending on Twitter, #studentsareover has garnered a massive following, which is unsurprisingly composed of parents whose children would be affected by the legislation. Many businesses have placed signs reading "No shirt, No students, No service" on window fronts to show their support for the government’s commitment to canceling students. 

Although the number of hate incidents toward students has increased tremendously since the president’s announcement, none have been taken seriously, given that students will officially be made nobody’s concern in the coming months. 

President Biden has assured the nation that this is the correct step in rebuilding the country after the devastating effects of COVID-19. 

“Students are already rightfully marginalized members of our society,” Biden confirmed in a press conference last week. “So really, canceling them makes a lot of sense.”