Never Have I Ever with Penn Class of 2025
Photo by Martin Strachoň / Wikimedia Commons
April 23, 2021 at 1:56 pm
This past weekend I got the chance to play Never Have I Ever with Penn Class of 2025...the entire Penn Class of 2025. Since Penn decided to cancel this year’s Quaker Days due to the ongoing pandemic, they have been juggling replacement ideas. After much deliberation, they decided to stuff the entire class into a cathedral (we also don't know why) with nothing besides 1000 handles of $8 vodka, a mysterious concoction called “The Truth Serum”, one glow stick, and me.
I was able to catch a few students to hear how they lost as they stumbled out of the basement, defeated and claustrophobic. Kyle, from Manhattan, lost because he has never held the door open for somebody else before. Kyle has also never tipped above 10%, made eye contact with a minority, or talked to a female below a 7.5.
Paul, unsurprisingly if you take one look at him, has never once washed his hands after peeing. He did grab the mic to clarify that he has in fact washed his hands after pooping, however hasn’t pooped since “the accident'' which took place three years ago tomorrow. He also identifies as a “Saint Incel” which is similar to an incel, however has a religious twist. Paul is not only committing to remaining celebate in this life, but is committing to remaining eternally celebate.
Selena lost when she admitted to having never seen a homeless person before. “No, those types of people don’t have houses in my neighborhood”, she explained. She did clarify that she has seen yachtless people before, and wanted to make sure that didn’t count.
James, who plans to study philosophy, refused to conform to the rules of the game at all. He said, and I quote, “rules are to the layman what stars are to the rules''. Despite playing “for fun” until he got out, he eventually walked out in protest, taking with him a strong coalition of four others who refused to conform to the fasciest tendencies exhibited by their future classmates, and his “satchel...not a purse...a satchel”.
While these are just a few examples from the thousands of students crammed into the basement that night, they do the rest of their class justice with their responses. Believe it or not, I ended up winning the game, beating the glow stick on the last question.