Pottruck Heats Up, Expands, Initiates Birth of Observable Universe
Photo (with edits) by Luke Chen / The Daily Pennsylvanian
April 1, 2021 at 12:00 am
Spicy! Last Tuesday, Pottruck drastically expanded its student capacity, heated up to 1000 trillion degrees Kelvin, and set into motion the creation of a new universe.
Onlookers claimed that Pottruck’s rapid expansion, which left fully-formed planets and entire galaxies in its wake, happened in the span of “a couple milliseconds.” As expected, everyone in the gym at the time was immediately vaporized.
Students have spoken out with their thoughts on Pottruck’s expansion policy.
“Truthfully, I think Pottruck is taking things too quickly,” College sophomore Jean Jobin commented. “I’m totally for easing pandemic restrictions, but the creation of an infinitely dense gravitational singularity and the lightning-fast synthesis and ejection of elementary particles seems a bit much.”
Even professors have had something to say about this fascinating development.
“What happened at Pottruck should have been a thermodynamic impossibility. This event will fundamentally change the way we view our universe,” physics professor Jon Higgs proclaimed. “Like, our universe has literally been obliterated and overwritten in Pottruck's image.”
Penn Campus Recreation has kept a positive outlook on the whole ordeal, hoping that students will make use of Pottruck’s fine facilities as the reopening process continues.
“Remember to make a reservation, and we hope to see you soon!” an email sent out yesterday read. “And yes, our staff is aware of the caustic puddles of cosmic goo in the Gimbel Gymnasium. Yes, we’re working on it.”