Resumé Leaked From the Guy Who Landed the Goldman Sachs Internship
Photo by nym / CC BY 2.0
April 1, 2021 at 5:55 pm
Chad F. Daniels
(372) 128 2986 or hotchad@wharton.upenn.edu
3333 Walnut St., Philadelphia, PA
EDUCATION:
University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, PA
Anticipated Graduation: May 2022
● Honors/Awards: Second best bong ripper in my frat, 99+ Tinder likes, Definitely not a virgin, Was hazed for two years instead of the usual one year
● Certifications: 400 years of experience with Microsoft Excel, Certified pussy magnet, Mostly literate, Capricorn
EXPERIENCE:
Anal Champ
2019 - Present
● Saved the frat party from dying out by butt chugging two beers shortly before shitting myself in front of 32 people
● Team player: Took it prison style up the ass without a complaint four times during hazing
● Since the hazing, I have found and followed a burning passion for being pegged and dominated by women
Neighborhood Drug Dealer
2018 - 2020
● Independently created, marketed, and managed a small, local drug dealing business with entrepreneurial spirit
● Developed supply chain, selling everything from weed to several hard substances to a large clientele ranging from Penn students to addicts
● Created a successful marketing strategy of selling outside a Narcotics Anonymous meeting
Anger Management Issues
2014 - 2020
● Lead the creative demolition of my room by punching 12 holes into each wall over the course of two weeks
● Blames others for the consequences of my actions until they apologize
● Participated in and won a drunken street fight at 3 a.m. outside Allegro’s Pizza. Used my privilege to prevent myself from getting arrested
● Promises that I have changed my ways!
Republican
1999 - Present
● Launched a protest against masks attended by 300 people — 267 of whom got COVID-19 (promoting herd immunity and, therefore, community health)
● Voted for Trump in 2016 and 2020
● Lacks empathy towards others
● Stormed the capital on Jan. 6. Took every lightbulb out of the Senate chamber.
Languages: Fluent in frat boy, Conversational in English
Fun Facts: Has daddy’s money, Desperately in need of therapy (but will never go), Considering getting an American flag tattoo