Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

Resumé Leaked From the Guy Who Landed the Goldman Sachs Internship


Photo by nym / CC BY 2.0

Chad F. Daniels 

(372) 128 2986 or hotchad@wharton.upenn.edu 

3333 Walnut St., Philadelphia, PA


University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, PA 

Anticipated Graduation: May 2022

● Honors/Awards: Second best bong ripper in my frat, 99+ Tinder likes, Definitely not a virgin, Was hazed for two years instead of the usual one year

● Certifications: 400 years of experience with Microsoft Excel, Certified pussy magnet, Mostly literate, Capricorn 


Anal Champ

2019 - Present 

● Saved the frat party from dying out by butt chugging two beers shortly before shitting myself in front of 32 people

● Team player: Took it prison style up the ass without a complaint four times during hazing

● Since the hazing, I have found and followed a burning passion for being pegged and dominated by women

Neighborhood Drug Dealer

2018 - 2020 

● Independently created, marketed, and managed a small, local drug dealing business with entrepreneurial spirit

● Developed supply chain, selling everything from weed to several hard substances to a large clientele ranging from Penn students to addicts 

● Created a successful marketing strategy of selling outside a Narcotics Anonymous meeting  

Anger Management Issues

2014 - 2020 

● Lead the creative demolition of my room by punching 12 holes into each wall over the course of two weeks

● Blames others for the consequences of my actions until they apologize

● Participated in and won a drunken street fight at 3 a.m. outside Allegro’s Pizza. Used my privilege to prevent myself from getting arrested

● Promises that I have changed my ways! 


1999 - Present

● Launched a protest against masks attended by 300 people —  267 of whom got COVID-19 (promoting herd immunity and, therefore, community health)

● Voted for Trump in 2016 and 2020

● Lacks empathy towards others

● Stormed the capital on Jan. 6. Took every lightbulb out of the Senate chamber.

Languages: Fluent in frat boy, Conversational in English

Fun Facts: Has daddy’s money, Desperately in need of therapy (but will never go), Considering getting an American flag tattoo