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Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Resist Your Cousin’s Sexual Advances in Quarantine?


Photo by Mountain/ \Ash / CC BY 2.0

Addie throws open your bedroom door. You gasp involuntarily. The demon has breached your inner sanctum. Before you can protest, they march over to your bed and slam your laptop shut. They cross their arms, pouting. “Well, your Wifi might be working, but mine is NOT. Fix it.”

You glare at Addie. “We use the same Wifi, you filthy whore.”

Anger mangles your cousin’s face. They smack your box of triscuits onto the floor. A scream catches in your throat as you watch your precious wheat babies spill onto your bedroom floor. “How dare you disrespect my triscuits!” you cry, shoving your finger in your cousin’s face. 

“Oh?” says Addie, “You mean these triscuits?” They proceed to stomp over your beautiful wheat children. You watch in horror as your cousin reduces your wheat wafers to wheat crumbs. The image is seared into your memory. You debate your options. 

Take a deep breath and calmly explain to Addie how they’ve made you upset.

Pull a gun on your cousin.