How to Not Set Yourself on Fire When Someone Bumps Message on Slack
June 7, 2021 at 2:31 pm
Slack is a business communication platform abused by various self-important student organizations at the University of Pennsylvania. You've been "added to Slack." You've been told, "just Slack me when you're done."
Doubtlessly, you've been hit with the good old "bumping this." Do you ever feel like you're one "bump" away from self-immolation? Worry not, because here is a list of activities designed to stop yourself from doing the unthinkable.
- Drop all your activities. Focus on your coursework. Camp out in Van Pelt. Ace the finals because you have no formals to go to. Graduate Summa Cum Laude. Honors thesis. Still can't get a job in government because you have no connections. Now you have no choice but to work for your daddy's company! Ugh. Work at Goldman Sachs. Make six figures your first year. Buy expensive yachts to fill the void that Corporate America leaves in your heart. Be deeply unhappy while wearing Chanel. Life is hard but receiving messages on Slack is harder.
- Read The Bible. Understand His Word.
- Download Tinder. You will get more notifications than previously thought imaginable, and so a few Slack messages will soon seem like nothing at all. Don't brag about how many dick pics you receive. Bragging causes wrinkles.
- Go out. Take a lap. Walk to The Halal Truck (40th and Locust location). Flirt with Sarwar Shah. Order combo (chicken and shrimp) over rice with extra, extra white sauce. Ask for diet coke. Leave a suggestive comment on Sarwar's Venmo page. Find a DM from Sarwar later that night. First date in front of Saxby's in the pale moonlight. You have kebab over salad. He has chicken gyro. Fuck Greek Lady: Halal is King. Marry Sarwar. Relocate to Canada. Free chicken over rice for the rest of your life. No need for Slack: Mr. Shah takes good care of you. Life is good.
- Busy yourself with domestic work. Take care of your husband and three children. The supposed liberation of women did not consist in their emancipation from the domestic sphere but rather in the total extension of the household into all of society. Day after day, you engage your entire self to the thankless labor. Your self-valorization remains unseen. In the new order of the world, you're not allowed to read. All the books you used to own now belong to your husband. Don't even think about phones or computers. At least you can't read Slack messages now!
This list of activities will be sure to stop you from dousing yourself in gasoline and striking a match against your patchy skin!