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Liwa Sun


Articles

Report: Boyfriend Texting Drafts of Satire Headlines Again

“Wow, woke king! This white guy takes to a minority today!”



Here Are 5 Places on Campus for Woeful English Majors to Brood in And/ Or Weep At

The closest I will ever come to that 10-dollar lox sandwich 


Student With No Depression Exhibits Stellar Executive Function

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk


Report: Desserts Such as Bread Pudding

I’m literally addicted to food I have to eat it every day.


Oh, Hell Yeah: I Run Into My Best Friend at One of the Two Locations We Always Frequent on Campus

Hell yeah. I see you, brother. I come to you. One day I will weep for this. 


OP-ED: I Am a True Artist Who Cannot “Come to Club Meeting” or “Buy Alc for Pregame”

Shall I let the image of me approaching imminent death hang above my head like the Sword of Damocles? My mortality alone is principle enough.


BREAKING: Confucius Appointed as New University Provost

Confucius will replace Beth Winkelstein, bioengineering professor and interim provost. Confucius will be the first Chinese, first Confucian, as well as the first non-living individual to serve as Penn provost. 


Woke Mob Hasn’t Cancelled David Bowie but Here Are the 10 Tweets I Will Fire Off if They Hypothetically Did

I am a top student at the University of Pennsylvania, not a prostitute.







I Lived It: He Left Me for a Girl Who Uses “Begs the Question” Erroneously

Readers, my jaw was on the floor. Did this girl seriously just invoke the logical fallacy in an erroneous manner?


OP-ED: I Did Not Come To Moelis Family Grand Reading Room to Make Friends

When I swipe with three fingers on my trackpad to access all 12 of my desktops (each with a different photo of St Vincent as desktop background), do not come near – the magnificence of it all might frighten you. 


Editorial: We Are Still in a Pandemic

The thing we have come to know as something as big as life – covid, coveed, the rona, the Kung Flu, Wuhan Virus, however you want to call it – is still there. And guess what? It will never go away


OP-ED: Suck Me Dry See If I Care

Remember, you naked agent of everything. The world didn’t corrupt you; you corrupted the world. And now you are crying? You absolute angel.


Student “Grinding Tonight” Somehow Will Be Smoking Three and a Half Joints

One moment I was by my laptop, about to type away my lab report. And then the next, I was high out of my mind. Absolutely nothing happened in between. I was as confused as you are.


BREAKING: The Worst Person You Know Responded “Maybe” to Facebook Event

Since this person’s RSVP, the fraternity that is throwing the downtown as well as the mass that will be in attendance have been awaiting the final decision as to whether he will deign to grace the venue in bated breath. 


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