First step, enema.

The closest I will ever come to that 10-dollar lox sandwich 

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

I’m literally addicted to food I have to eat it every day.

Hell yeah. I see you, brother. I come to you. One day I will weep for this. 

Shall I let the image of me approaching imminent death hang above my head like the Sword of Damocles? My mortality alone is principle enough.

Confucius will replace Beth Winkelstein, bioengineering professor and interim provost. Confucius will be the first Chinese, first Confucian, as well as the first non-living individual to serve as Penn provost. 

I am a top student at the University of Pennsylvania, not a prostitute.

I worry that your baby thinks people can’t change. I used to be a slut, bleached blonde hair, tube top, meatball hoagies (toasted) at Wawa… but people can change.

Readers, my jaw was on the floor. Did this girl seriously just invoke the logical fallacy in an erroneous manner?

When I swipe with three fingers on my trackpad to access all 12 of my desktops (each with a different photo of St Vincent as desktop background), do not come near – the magnificence of it all might frighten you. 

The thing we have come to know as something as big as life – covid, coveed, the rona, the Kung Flu, Wuhan Virus, however you want to call it – is still there. And guess what? It will never go away

Remember, you naked agent of everything. The world didn’t corrupt you; you corrupted the world. And now you are crying? You absolute angel.

One moment I was by my laptop, about to type away my lab report. And then the next, I was high out of my mind. Absolutely nothing happened in between. I was as confused as you are.

Since this person’s RSVP, the fraternity that is throwing the downtown as well as the mass that will be in attendance have been awaiting the final decision as to whether he will deign to grace the venue in bated breath.