Breaking: Gutmann Sets Sights on Gentrifying Germany Next

After a successful reign of terror on the West Philadelphia community, Amy Gutmann is now expected to become the next ambassador to Germany under Biden’s America.

The charitable Penn president is known for her contributions to the West Philadelphia community, contributions she describes as “positive” and that residents describe as “sadistic.”

Amy Gutmann will leave behind an outstanding legacy of turning West Philadelphia into a Panopticon-like state of constant panic and surveillance, not to mention the actual skeletons she has in her closet.

We are sure the Germans will love Girlboss Gutmann and self-described “ideas person.” We hope they’ll be a fan of rising property values and ripping away homes from low-income residents. Good luck!